The Evangelical Spectator

99 Abraham Lincoln's Favorite Shakespearian Quotes

Some of the quotes which Abraham Lincoln loved were associated with love and longing. The general truths identified were his delight. 

'All the world's a stage'
'Neither a borrower nor a lender be'
'Beware the Ides of March'
'A rose by any other name'
'There are more things in heaven and on earth'
'My kingdom for a horse!'
'Double, double toil and trouble'

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #1

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #2

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #3

All that glisters is not gold.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #4

How far that little candle throws his beams. So shines a good deed in a weary world.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #5

Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #6

From women's eyes this doctrine I derive:They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;They are the books, the arts, the academes,That show, contain, and nourish all the world.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #7

They do not love that do not show their love.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #8

To business that we love we rise betime, And go to 't with delight.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #9

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

 

Favorite Shakespeare Quotes #10

Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.

Shakespeare

I Don't Know Why

I don't know why. I never have. I know who, what, when and where on a first name basis. But why is another matter. We're distant. Don't talk much. We haven't seen each other in years. The last time we were together was for Thanksgiving.

Why has my number. I have why's number and address. We live in the same block. We share the same elm tree which gives off a lovely shade. We go to the same church. Our children attend the same school.

When I see Why out mowing the lawn I wave. Why waves back. Why is married to Because. They get along so well. They are the picture of a modern family. Content and enjoying the fruits of their labors. Everyone should know Why and Because. They love each other. Go everywhere with each other. They're a pair.

The Cantaloupe Controversy

How do you know a cantaloupe is ripe? There are many sides to this question. Caesar of the Roman Empire has his cantaloupe shaken, with a firm grip from the server. If the melon was ripe the melon gave off a whisper of an incantation. Genghis Kahn used his sword to whack the melon to determine ripeness.

Abraham Lincoln employed a thumping method. Three thumps and he listened carefully to the sound. A sort of deep echo which once returned meant that the melon was ripe for eating.

Benjamin Franklin punched a hole in the side of the melon and tasted the ingredients. Sniffing it as well for freshness.

Cantaloupes can be tricky. Mysterious. The greeks talk to their cantaloupes. If the cantaloupe answers with hiccup they eat it.

World's Longest Tongue - seven feet, two inches

The man with the longest tongue of seven feet, two inches lives in Knoxville, Tennessee. And he's often asked to autograph his photo and do supermarket openings. Arnold Pope likes to call his tongue his "snake."

People like to come by and see my tongue. I charge them two dollars. And pull it out. Maybe let it fall to the carpet. My dog always give me a puzzled look right then and there. You know what I love? Is the way people take photos and laugh and point.

My tongue longer than anybody's. I knowed that. I'm a country boy and I love to swing my tongue. Maybe jump rope with it. I been to the country fair in Kingsport, Johnson City and Bristol. Once a roped a rabbit with my tongue. The newspaper loves that story.

I live with my tongue in a two bedroom house. We get along. I don't always take it out much. It hangs down and I trip on it. I hate that. Getting up in the middle of the night. It's dark. Can't see my tongue.

A doctor from Raleigh offered to surgically remove it. But my wife Selma wouldn't allow it. I don't know why.

How to Hold Up A Gas Station

The best way to hold up a gas station is not very well known. People have been doing wrong for many decades. Thing is to grab it by the handles and lift real hard. Oomph.

When strong muscle power is exerted the gas station can be lifted. Watch your back, though. Lift with your legs. Gas stations have been knows to harm backs.

When lifting the gas station take a deep breath first. Look around. There will always be people walking along and they will stop and watch the show.

Hold the gas station over your head for a few seconds. Set it down gently. Be careful of your toes. Gas Stations weigh a few tons, you know.

With a little determination and a lot of inspiration the gas station will be over your head in no time. This will impress women and men alike. You may well get written up in the newspaper.

Why I Don't Love You Like I Used To

I used to love the word 'you'. As a child growing up I thought the word was funny. It sounded like a baby sheep. The word rattled around in my head like a rubberball. You. But something happened. And we aren't a couple anymore.

I think 'you' and I grew apart because we experienced the world differently. You went into the army, got married, had three children. Live in Tennessee and taught geometry in high school. We became two separate people. You liked Charlie Chaplin movies. I liked Jerry Lewis. That sort of thing.

Today I''m more of a me guy. Me and I do everything together. I know it sounds crazy but me is a great friend. I can trust it to keep a secret. We go to ball games together. We married the same woman. Sometimes me sleeps on the sofa. Sometimes me takes out the garbage. I wish sometimes I was me. And sometimes I'm sure me wishes he was me.

It's a good life.

Democrats Grow In Size - At Least, One Inch

Since Obama took office the average democrat has grown in size. At least three inches. Some democrats have grown over a foot taller than they were before the election. The suprising phenomenon has been accredited to healthy eating and the heavy turnout in last years election.

Some democrats report growing an extra toe. Larger ears and more hair on their heads. There are no bald democrats to be found anywhere in United States of America.

Republicans on the otherhand, have shrunk at least three inches. The reverse effect has been attributed to negative emotions. Depression. Irritable bowel syndrome and lack of niacin in their diet. Republican National Committee is studying the sudden shortness and reports that they are addressing the need for more confidence and medication.

As unfortunate as it may seem more republicans are growing bald. And their vision is failing. Hearing too. The future looks dim.

Asphalt: New Ingredient in Bran Cereal

Some breakfast cereal companies in an attempt to add more fiber adding special ingredients are rethinking the everything. New ingredients like asphalt are adding substantial power to breakfast cereals. It's a leap. A real movement forward. One tablespoon of asphalt will make the average person regular for weeks, if not months.

Asphalt is a sticky, black and highly viscous liquid or semi-solid that is present in most crude petroleums and in some natural deposits sometimes termed asphaltum. It is most commonly modelled as a colloid, with asphaltenes as the dispersed phase and maltenes as the continuous phase (though there is some disagreement amongst chemists regarding its structure)[citation needed].

In U.S. terminology, asphalt (or asphalt cement) is the carefully refined residue from the distillation process of selected crude oils. Outside North America, the product is called bitumen.

The primary use of asphalt is in road construction, where it is used as the glue or binder for the aggregate particles. The road surfacing material is usually called 'asphaltic concrete' or simply AC in North America, or simply 'asphalt' elsewhere. Within North America the apparent interchangeability of the words asphalt and 'bitumen' causes confusion outside the road construction industry despite quite clear definitions within industry circles.

The highly complex and not well-characterized materials containing saturated and unsaturated aliphatic and aromatic compounds with up to 150 carbon atoms. Their composition varies depending on the source of crude oil. Many of the compounds contain oxygen, nitrogen, sulfur, and other heteroatoms.

Asphalt typically contains about 80% by weight of carbon; around 10% hydrogen; up to 6% sulfur; small amounts of oxygen and nitrogen; and trace amounts of metals such as iron, nickel, and vanadium. The molecular weights of the constituent compounds range from several hundred to many thousands.

The compounds are asphaltenes or maltenes according to their solubility in hexane or heptane. Asphaltenes are high molecular weight species that are insoluble in these solvents, whereas maltenes have lower molecular weights and are soluble. Asphalts normally contain between 5 and 25% by weight of asphaltenes and may be regarded as colloids of asphaltene micelles dispersed in maltenes.

Many of the compounds in asphalt are polar since they contain alcohol, carboxyl, phenolic, amine, thiol, and other functional groups. As a result of this polarity, the molecules self-assemble to form multimolecular clusters with molecular weights up to 100,000. The adhesion of asphalt to aggregate is also thought to depend on the polar attraction between molecules in asphalt and the polar surfaces of aggregates.

How To Get a Woman Into Bed

First, find your bedroom. It's usually somewhere in the house. Snoop around. Men seldom posses much in the way of a sense of direction. So finding the bedroom is vital. Look the house over. Be confident and brave. I know you can do it.

Look around. If at first you don't see the bedroom, by trial and error you will stumble upon it. Walk down the hall, take right. Be suspicious of a room with long and wide sofa.

That's it. You've got it. You've found the bedroom. You intelligent thing, you.

Of course, you may need a compass. If the mind grows cloudy. Men's mind often storm. Overcast around the age of thrity to seventy. Men are that way, you know. They seldom have a thought during these years. But, hey, anything can happen. We're living in the age of miracles.

What then may follow is precisely unexpected. The bedroom is a wild thing. It may move around. Say, end up in an entirely different room. Say, the guest room. But persevere. Look carefully. Examine every nook and cranny.

And your careful scrutiny may pay off. And what if you do find it. What do you do? You turn to her and in a fit of madness. Say, here it is. It's your bedroom. A crazy place which you have never visited, only by yourself. A bedroom with a woman in it is quite naturally larger. The room may change colors. It may suddenly spin upon entrance. It may even speak to you. The language is usually french or italian.

And in finding this secret place, what next? What extraordinary phenomenon occurs?

There's the opening of the bedroom door. Turn the knob. Smoothly, quietly, nonchalantly. That often is required to open doors in general. Don't have to be a locksmith.

Silence is good at this point. A nod of the head will suffice. Like an irish setter, you may point in the direction of the bed.

Women being all intelligent will understand.

If words occur to you at this point, exercise restraint by not using them. Women can read minds, anyway.

The momentum being on your side at this point I suggest that no formal introduction of the lady to the bed is necessary. Women know all about beds. Of course, women use beds differently than men. Give it a try.

99 Books Banned In Heaven

Today 99 books were banned in Heaven. The news shocked a crowd of men and women who had gathered at Paradise Square. "This is good news," one angel cried. Another angels shook his head. The angels are up in arms. Trumpets sounded. A circle of winged archangels. Saint Paul, Peter and Simon. Two members of the Saint Brigade. And John Phillips Sousa. The announcement came at noon.

The following books were banned in Heaven. A voice boomed from the Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger.
Forever by Judy Blume.
Lord of the Flies by William Golding.
The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling.
And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson.
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle.
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier.
The Giver by Lois Lowery.

Banned by the archangel, taken off shelves in libraries, these books have been contested because of the way they portray religion or politics.

The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie.
A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving.
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck.
Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriett Beecher Stowe. 
The Lorax by Dr. Seuss.
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
1984 by George Orwell.
Animal Farm by George Orwell.
Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift.
Candide by Voltaire.
Lady Chatterley’s Lover by DH Lawrence.
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.
Fanny Hill by John Cleland.
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman.
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes.
The Awakening by Kate Chopin.
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert.
Rabbit, Run by John Updike.
Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank.
Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov.
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. 
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck.
The Color Purple by Alice Walker. 
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.
Native Son by Richard Wright.
Beloved by Toni Morrison.
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kessey.
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood.
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote.
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut.
East of Eden by John Steinbeck.