The Evangelical Spectator

Knoxville Family Writes Bestseller

Once there was Papa Dung and Moma Dung and their children, Dolly Dung and Bobby Dung and their dog Doggy Dung. They weren't clean and fresh-smelling like many families. They stank because they understood stink. They studied stink. They knew their stink.

They wrote a book about it and that book stank up the bestseller's list for seven months. The book was made into a dirty movie. And made seventy million dollars. Now they're filthy rich.

Romance with Air & Water Pollution

The air that stinks like donkey dung fills my lungs and chokes me like a robber who wants my money, like a man whose wife I made love to. He caught us in bed. I pleaded for forgiveness. (choking). Help! Help! I cried. The air sneered and glared at me with bloodshot eyes, one tooth missing. It grimaced and told me I was to blaime for automobile emissions, carbon monoxide poisoning. It hated my guts.

And the water that tastes like elephant piss I drink and bathe in. It breaks my heart like a girl I once loved. I remember her first kiss the sweet, suddenly rancid and sour. She trickles down my throat and into my stomach, where she defecates and vomits and draws pictures of elephants. Sometimes she sits, reading aloud a book on environmental protection. When she turns a page I feel quesy. There's a thunderstorm in my liver. My kidneys quiver and murmur obsenities. My intestines play bacgammon against last night's TV dinner and win everything. I lose my house, my car and my dog Poochie Doodle.

Advice to The Unemployed

I need the sounds I cannot hear. Which is no reason not to hear them. They serve a purpose. Music which you cannot hear is beautiful. Restful. Birdsongs that we cannot hear are so melodious to our ears.

Light that is not there is always lovely, bright. The light that is not there illuminates the things that are not there. And when we are not there that light falls upon us and everyone else who is not there can see us.

The Failing American Economy

I need what is not there more than what is there simply because sometimes I am not here. I am there and when I am there I need these things which I cannot see. Which is no reason not to use them. They serve a purpose by not being there.

A place is much the same. If a place is not there I go there and I find the things that are not there right where I left them when I wasn't there before.

The best things are things lost or stolen, missing and by finding them not there you feel so much better because by not being there they can be used in ways you never thought possible.

Loss is really gain, when you understand how to make use of what you don't have anymore. I pray I shall find nothing so I can use the things which are not there and have never been there and will never be there for the good of mankind.

The Asparagus Vote

I detest asparagus. It is uneducated. Barely got out of the fifth grade. Horrible singer. Never learned to play a musical instrument. It can't draw or write very well.

It has little commonsense. No ambition, unlike brocolli or brussel sprouts, which at least tried out for the Bolshoi.

I know of nothing it ever invented. It is an over-rated, pompous green thing.

It is a dishonest plant. Quarrels with carrots.

Mind you I don't find it in the least bit clever or affable. It has no qualms about boasting of its many unhappy marriages. It is an unfaithful vegetable. A roguish peacock. How many times has it arrested for soliciting from prostitutes?

Raw Fruits and Vegetables

Beets are armed and dangerous. Well-known for their unlawful behavior. Mugging pedestrians at night in the suburbs. Potatoes break into houses. Hold hostage the butter and sour cream. Smoke smelly cigars and play poker on the weekends. Celery is a loud mouth, disrupts the peace. Tomatoes rob banks up and down the coast.

Garlic has been sentenced for kidnapping in Rhode Island. Greenbeans sell mortgages with sky-high interest rates.

Brocolli wears an eye patch. Cabbage is a pickpocket. Never buy a used car from an aspargus.

Never argue with a peach. They know too much and always win. I have never known an apple which didn't lie about its weight and age.

The Longest Word In The English Language

It’s massive, it's long and it pertains to the human body. Also it makes makes perfect sense, runs a few city blocks long and doesn't cross the street or litter. What is this ogre?

Methionylglutaminylarginytyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglut-
aminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanyvalyl-
prolylphenylalanylvalythreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolyglycylisoleucylglut-
amylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglut-
amylalanylglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylglycylisoleu-
cylprolylphenylalanylserylaspartylprolylleucelalanylaspartyglycylprolythreo-
nylisoleucylglutamiylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalan-
ylalanylglycylvalyltheonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanygllutam-
ylmethionylleucyalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthre-
onylisoleucylpriIylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparag-
inylleucylvalyphenylalanylasparaginyllysylgyycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylph-
enylalanyltyrosylalanylgutaminyllcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylavlylaspart-
ylserylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylvalyprolylvalylglutaminylglutamyllserylal-
anyprolyphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylaspara-
ginylvaylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspart-
ylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginyglutaminylisoleucylalanyyls-
eryltyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylal-
anylglycylvalythreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylanylalanylleucyl-
prolylleucylaspaaginylhistidylleucylvaylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosyla-
saraginylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyl-
lysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylalanyglycylalanylalanyglycylalanylisol-
eucylserylglycyserylalanylisoleucylbalyllsylisoleucylisoleucylglutamyyylgluta-
minylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamyllysylmethionylleucyla-
lanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalabylvalylglutaminlylprolylmethionyllysylala-
nylalanylthreonylarginylserine

It’s the scientific name for Tryptophan synthetase, which is a protein containing over 267 amino acids. It contains 1,846 letters. Amazing that any dictionary should be so noble to contain it.