The Snail Mail Report

With the advent of email, snail mail has been in decline. Today only one out of ever four snails receive mail on a daily basis. Some snails only receive mail every four to six weeks. Mostly postcards from well-wishers, the occasional birthday or anniversary or greeting card, and rarely first-class mail.

On Valentine's Day, for example, snails receive less than three valentines per snail. Of course, snails do receive lots of bulkmail offering deals on plantfood and promising the moon on new creditcard offers.

To faciliate delivery of snail mail, gardens and backyards have been assigned their own zipcode. A tree or shrub, dandelion, toadstool, pebble, leaf, for example, in the same yard, may have different zipcodes.

The following is an example of recent mail received by snails.

Dear Mr Snail:

I'm sorry I squashed your mother. I didn't meant it. It was an accident. Please accept my condolences. The garden hasn't been the same since that terrible day.

Somehow I wish I could make it up to you. I have felt really bad about this incident. I haven't been the same person since. I know it caused your family great anguish, and I am terribly embarrassed and hurt by my carelessness. In the future, I will watch my step. Please, if I can do anything for you, don't hesitate to ask.

Though I wish that you and your family would look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

And avoid salt. It's a killer.

Yours truly,

Ralph,
Knoxville, Tennessee