The Evangelical Spectator

How to Talk to Your Soul

Did you know you can talk to your soul? Arthur Blanding of Knoxville, Tennessee, has written a book devoted to communicating with your soul. The book is title "Getting to Know Your Soul."

"It's not much bigger than a handkerchief," Mr Blandings says. "People enjoy talking to their souls for hours on end. The soul is a source of entertainment, inspiration and great advice."

"Hold it up and speak clearly. You may ask anything you'd like. Anything. What is the meaning of your life, or life in general. If you listen closely, your soul will answer."

This little known secret has stumped mankind for centuries. Still, today there are disbelievers. If their soul calls, they answer..."Sorry, I'm not home right now. At the beep please leave a message."

It's frightening the first few times. But after you get used to it, you'll find your soul is a lovely confidante. Someone who cares deeply about you. And will be with you through thick and thin.

"Is that you, Myrtle?"

Souls Are Like Handkerchiefs

To visit the Bible Belt you have to have a soul. Or they won't let you in. It's like a high-priced fancy restaurant that expects you to wear a necktie. No soul and you're not getting in.

Of course, they will provide with one. It's a small thing. No bigger than handkerchief.

"Is that my soul?"

"Yes, sir."

""You got something in a blue. White doesn't match my eyes."

The soul wags like a lamb's tail, resembles a handkerchief. Scented with clover, a touch of dogwood blossom. It's pure white, unless you've sinned. Or womanized or gambled or drank alcohol. Then it's blemished. Little spots you have to pray and read your Bible and go to church to get them out.

You carry your soul everywhere you go. It's light as a feather. Becareful not crease it. If you fold it all, say a prayer as you do it.

You may be tempted to use it as a napkin. Or handkerchief. Don't do that. You're soul is a celestrial creature. It might hurt its feelings to be used in such a mundane way.

Your soul is a symbol of who you are. Your integrity. You faith and righteous life. Yes, at the Five and Dime, souls are for sale. Pretty clean souls that have never drank alcohol or committed adultery or stolen or lied or gambled.

Of course, lost souls are everywhere. You see them strewn about cities on park benches or in airport or bus stations. If you visit a porno bookshop you'll find the floor strewn with souls.

If you up at the sky, you can souls floating overhead. Clouds? No, they're souls. The souls lost and forever will pass overhead. Lonely.

The weather report may say cloudy. But what it really means is that there will be souls strewn above the earth. So many they block the sunlight.

Anyone who loses their soul is careless. Hold on to yours. Do not let it slip away.

Text Messaging -- The New Smoke Signals

In place of old communication methods like smoke signals and the telegraph, modern society has text messaging or instant messaging. The electronic equivalent of smoke signals does not pollute the atmosphere so much. Ugh.

Though the clouds are puffy white and gray, they seldom mean more than a hello or meet for lunch. The terse commodity of text messaging cost pennies and perhaps annoys more than it informs.

Unlike previuos forms of communication, like the morris code. The telegraphed message was just as delightful, and bears much in common with the beat of the tom-toms.

As for all the many text message opinions splattered on my cellphone I enjoy reading messages. All addressed to occupant. I glare down at my cellphone, attempting to make out the tiny words. It's like trying to read the fine print on the social contract.

It's a true and false exam. A miniscule offering that nudges one into disbelief. One imagines one is reading an important message. But in reality is mere electronic. poppycock.

And on internet message boards, opinions abound. Opinions so short and shallow they tend to wear/borrow opinions like old sweaters, turtlenecks, argyle, v-neckline, pullover, button or zip-down, cashmere, cardigans, however ragged, smudged with hotdog relish, faded by too much sunlight and filled with holes. Ugh.

All I know I purchased on the lay-away at Macy's Department store. Most were onsale.

How to Rekindle a Southern Marriage

Southern women are taking classes to rekindle their marriages. The classes teach the women how to renew their husbands' affections. "Make noises like farm animals," Mr Lucas Baumgarden instructs. " A southern man cannot resist the sound of a pig or cow or chicken. It's part of his pysche."

We also teach wives to walk and behave like farm animals. That drives men wild. It does. If a woman can make a baaaa sound, the man is suddenly struck dumb. He is in love all over again. A woman who can make pig sounds at the dinnertable or if she can walk like chicken, it startles the man's senses. His heart accelerates. His eyes get big. He's in love all over again."

"Initially, of course, the husbands can't tell where the sounds are coming from. They look around. They open closet doors. They're puzzled. Then it dawns on them the source of their wonderment."

"I'd like to lay to rest any rumors that Southern men have sex with farm animals. What a canard. Ridiculous. The most absurd assertion."

Though every Southern woman knows that when the marriage goes stale, when her husband stops paying attention to her, it's perfectly logically to make farm animal sounds to attract here husband. Renew their relationship.

The husband may be sitting in the livingroom and from the bedroom the wife calls "moooo!" And this attracts the husband. He comes running.

The husband can be outside in the yard and once here's from the house that "baaa!" or "cluck, cluck" he comes running.

Wives know how southern men's brains are wired. Nothing like the sound of a sheep to get the southern man in the mood.

Man Sitting In Church Bursts Into Flames

Last Sunday in Dilling, Tennessee, a man sitting in the second row of St Bartholomew church burst into flames and shot out the window in a ball of fire.

He was nibbling M&Ms. Serves him right.

Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.

Of course, what did he expect? He bit into one of those chocolate covered peanuts. It was like pulling the pin on a handgrendade. You've got to be careful of what you're doing. You're in the Lord's House. You're a guest.

He should've known better.

New Frequent Flyer Plan

Birds are frequent flyers. So it quite naturally follows they are eligible for frequent flyer mileage. Robins, crows, bluebirds, sparrows, grackle, finch, starling, wren, red bird, swallow, chickadee, scarlet tanager find themselves in a unique situation. They can accumulate miles for free travel, if they enroll in the new frequent flyer plan.

Today's frequent flyer (FF) programs offer benefits above and beyond free air travel. A bird can earn up to eight hundred points. Save up to three hundred dollars a year. The new plan includes free seeds, fresh worms, bugs, caterpillars, moths and over night stays in trees and shrubs of their choice. Birdbaths are available.

And, birds can earn miles without even traveling anywhere. The frequent flyer program is an incentive program designed to reward birds for their continued loyalty. As a traveler, birds earn free miles for the miles that you fly. The concept behind frequent flyer programs is that birds are rewarded for their songs, prowess and natural beauty.

The Snail Mail Report

With the advent of email, snail mail has been in decline. Today only one out of ever four snails receive mail on a daily basis. Some snails only receive mail every four to six weeks. Mostly postcards from well-wishers, the occasional birthday or anniversary or greeting card, and rarely first-class mail.

On Valentine's Day, for example, snails receive less than three valentines per snail. Of course, snails do receive lots of bulkmail offering deals on plantfood and promising the moon on new creditcard offers.

To faciliate delivery of snail mail, gardens and backyards have been assigned their own zipcode. A tree or shrub, dandelion, toadstool, pebble, leaf, for example, in the same yard, may have different zipcodes.

The following is an example of recent mail received by snails.

Dear Mr Snail:

I'm sorry I squashed your mother. I didn't meant it. It was an accident. Please accept my condolences. The garden hasn't been the same since that terrible day.

Somehow I wish I could make it up to you. I have felt really bad about this incident. I haven't been the same person since. I know it caused your family great anguish, and I am terribly embarrassed and hurt by my carelessness. In the future, I will watch my step. Please, if I can do anything for you, don't hesitate to ask.

Though I wish that you and your family would look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

And avoid salt. It's a killer.

Yours truly,

Ralph,
Knoxville, Tennessee

The Immaculately Clean Christian

If you loose your soul the first thing you notice is how dirty your house. Sin makes us forget to clean. Adultery, gluttony, jealousy, greed turn us into pigs. Oink, oink. We cannot see the dirt. We cannot understand why our houses smell like barnyards. Looks like a cyclone hit. Why has house been turned upside-down?

It's the devil. He's moved in. Lives in the guest room. He's a messy fellow. Never picks up after himself. Watches TV all night. Plays the radio too loud. Never flushes. Never brushes his teeth. He uses the good towels.

He laughs too loud. He curses the dog. He smokes, drops ashes everywhere. He chews with his mouth open. He's a slob.

Which might explain why the houses of Christians so clean? The devil is in the dirt. Dusting the house will keep the devil away. Washing dishes and clothes is an idea way to ward off the devil. Indeed, he will come into a clean house. The devil wants clutter. Socks on the floor. Clothes clumped in the corner.

After church or following prayer or bible reading Christians are often inspired to clean their houses. Mop the floor. Pick up. Dust the furniture. After church in particular, Christians can be found vacuuming, dusting, throwing clothes to the wash.

In a dirty house, the devil's face be seen. To chase the devil from the house one needs only start sweep. The hum of vacuum cleaner is enough to see him flee. He cannot abide the smell of a clean house. Amonia is the Christian's friend. Cleaning prodcuts are shock treatment.
Christian houses are cleaner than atheist houses. The rooms look neater.

Messy is not an inherited trait. And among disbeleivers that messy is a epidemic. A disease like the bubonic. Like whooping cough, tuberculosis. There are messy nations, messy governments, local and nationwide.
Christians would enjoy visiting the houses of disbelievers if only to offer them a hand at cleaning. The devil wouldn't enjoy that. The dirty rotten atheists would do well to clean.

The Intuitive Christian

For intuition, a recent survey by the Knoxville Psychology Institute revealed how some Christians are more endowed with intuitive powers. As a group they seem more in tune with the world around them.

The study revealed that three out of four Christians practice extra sensory perception. They do so by various methods. A Baptist may seek out various methods to acquire heightened awareness, increasing their intuition. Some Lutherans drank beer. Presbyterian women ate chocolate.

Others watched the news or read the newspaper. Fifteen percent said they drank coffee. A small minority said they waled in the rain. Watched baseball. Or worked the crossword puzzle. Some participants drank wine for intuition. Some folks by getting intoxicated achieved an elevated state of intuiting. Or so their claims.

Kids claimed powers of intuition after riding on the merry-go-round. Spun round till they couldn't walk straight.

Adults cited other means of gathering intuition. Eating spaghetti, bananas, ice cream. It seems that many derived intuition from listening to soft music. Or exercising. Swimming seems a source of intuition.

Others stated reading the Bible, sitting in church. Some boasted of regained intuiting after praying. Looking directly up at the sky was as well a boost to intuitive thoughts.

All sorts of things were predictible. Love, happiness, the weather. And when they knew what was going to happen they then looked forward to it. Of course, the best thing about intuition was the feedback of one's own mind.

At one with the universe, all because they had watched a soap opera or baseball game on television. Or talked on the telephone. These habits seemed to spring something loose inside their heads. And it was lovely.

Predicting the future had many good qualities about it. Knowing more than they did before. Intuition made them feel smarter, more confident.

But seriously just read a book in which it was stated that intuition amounts to us knowing what the subconscious has known for weeks and just finally gets around to tell us about it. We reach decisions weeks before we know it.

The Amazing Baptist

In Knoxville, Tennessee, if you attend the Lavander Baptist Church you will find Reverend Tom Kiley, known as "The Amazing Baptist" working miracles. He reads the Bible, motions to the ceiling, kicks at the floor. And a puff of smoke jumps out of his coat and circles the congregation. The smoke whispers in peoples' ear the most delightful things.

And everyone is happy. And then there's that light that shimmers up inside Reverend Kiley. A heavenly light that turns the altar upside-down. The flowers on the altar cling to the table. It's all a mystery.

A gust of wind passes through the sanctuary. It seems to come from the Reverend. It's a wind that calls each member of the congregation by their name. Birds fly out of the Reverend's pockets when he's about to pray. He lifts his arms high.

He smiles. His voice is that incredibly beautiful sound that makes the ladies' toes curl. And the men sit up straight. The sound of a peacock comes from the choir. The sermon is an extraordinary burst of revelations. One after the other. Fireworks. The words sparkle and gleam from a world of darkness. Suddenly made bright.

He performs magical tricks for his congregation. The dancing Bible trick is a real pleaser. The Bible floats in mid-air and circles the congregation.

Sometimes The Amazing Baptist is so good he mesmerizes the congregation. They stare at him. He leaves them breathless. Reverend Kiley can pull a rabbit out of his Bible. In recent weeks he has been handcuffed and after saying a prayer suddenly escaped.

He has been stuffed into a shoebox. Vanished and then popped up. He has been suspended by his heels over the pulpit. And has been known to disappear entirely into thin air.

Once, he leaped into the air and reportedly flew out the window. Only to return. The Amazing Baptist is an outstanding example of what faith can accomplish.

Angels have visited his sermons. And often sit in the third row, left side. They are striking. White wings and noble faces. They enjoy Reverend Tom and understand his commitment to the Lord.

People love The Amazing Baptist for his gift for surprise. He has made a tiger and two bears appear in the sanctuary. Also, he has any number of the times healed the crippled, made blind see and the dumb speak.

He believes that everyone in the city of Knoxville is a good person. He believes that if they have only to pray more often to possess the great promises. If they believe in the Bible, all things will be possilbe.

Next week: The vanishing Deacon and an Elder will be sawed in half.