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March 2008

The Church Bells That Talked

In Abingdon, Virginia, church bells have been heard talking. Saying the names of farmers and their families. The church bells have been offering advice on subjects ranging from marriage to education. The citizens of Abingdon are not in the least surprised that the church bells know them and offer sound advice.

"Usually a church bell is a bell is rung to signify the hour or the time for worshippers to go to church, perhaps to attend a wedding," said Reverend Paul of the First Baptist Church. "So we don't think much of it, if the church bells want to offer us some good pointers how we can improve our lives."

Church bells typically have the form of a cup-shaped cast metal resonator with a flared thickened rim, and a pivoted metal striker or clapper hanging from its center inside. The church is usually mounted high in a bell tower on top of the church, so it can be heard by the surrounding community. The bell is suspended at its apex from a horizontal axle, so it can swing from side to side. A rope is tied to a pulley or lever on the axle, and hangs down to ground level.

To ring the bell, the bell ringer pulls on the rope, swinging the bell. The motion causes the clapper to hit the inside rim of the bell as it swings, making the sound. Alternatively, the bell may be suspended from a stationary support, and the bell rung by pulling a rope attached to the clapper to one side.

The church bell in Abingdon seems to rung by celestial forces. Usually around three or four o'clock in the afternoon. The citizens listen carefully each afternoon. Newspaper reporters wait patiently and write down everything the church bell says.

The following day quotes from the church bell are printed on the first page of the newspaper. The quotes often are biblical passages from Psalms or The Gospels. Though frequently the church bells suggest particular advice on matters of life and death. Advising against pre-marital relations, divorce, drug abuse, alcoholism, gambling and gluttony.

"We listen carefully to everything that bell tells us. It knows a lot. It knows what's important. You hear it start up. A little prayer. A little sermon. You know what's coming. It's got something to say and it rings loud. On Sunday, it tells people to come to church. Don't go fishing."

"It politely suggests. It don't preach. It wants us to pray more often. Read the Bible. That bell will ring and ring and we listen. We know everything it's said. They got a book coming out that has everything that bell has said. And everybody is going to buy."

"Sometimes the bell tells a story. Sometimes it tells a joke. Or recalls some memory of Heaven. If you listen to that bell you learn all kinds of things about the Lord and Heaven. That bells knows us better than we know ourselves."

"For many years, the church bells whispered to us. But two years ago they started saying things. We're so grateful. We don't how we got along without the church bells. It's perfectly naturally to hear them calling our names."

"Last week they called us a fine people and asked us to exercise more. Eat more protein and fiber. The bells are always truthful. We can count on them to tell us what we need to know. The bells know are dreams and sometimes they remind us how much we need our faith and how good we are as a people."

"The bells make us feel more grateful for what we have. They speak to us. But they also listen very carefully. It's as though they wanted to learn everything about us. Sometimes they asked us questions. And not easy questions. Hard questions. Like who are we? What do we want out of life?"

"But how were we to answer. We didn't know at first. Then it occurred to us that all we had to do was pray. And that's what we did. And the church bells heard us. We knew the bells heard us because the very next day the bells congratulated us. The bells speaking in a voice to each of us. It was a miracle. And that pleased us. We liked miracles. And church bells talking seemed perfectly heavenly."

"Occasionally one hears of the church bells helping children with their homework. Telling them how to work math problems. Coaching them in various ways. Offering encouragement and in some cases telling them how much they are loved. How they should in turn show their love for their parents."

"Those church bells have become a part of us. We know what we'd do without them. Once they told Harold Boss where to go fishing. What spot was the best to fish in. And what to use for bait. And once Sarah Delp was told by the bells which of her gentleman callers was the best suited for her in marriage."

"I can't recall the church bells ever being wrong. They once named the children in town that needed discipline. Need more love. Needed a haircut. Or new shoes. We collected money and sent it to the need family. The children got new shoes."

"Then one day the bells told us the best prices of grocery items. And where to buy them. Meatcuts and canned goods. They told who the best mechanic in town was. And where we could get a good deal on a lawnmower or automobile."

"The bells have never let us down. They continue to encourage and support us. We wish to return the favor. So we listen. We learn. You can learn a lot from church bells. But you have to listen carefully."

The Chocolate Christian

A man from Hampton, Virginia was covered from head to foot with chocolate at the First Baptist Church in Bristol, Tennessee. "They caked him, painted him all over. The children poured over a hundred melted chocolate on Phillip Hays, their Sunday school teacher. Mr Hays had obviously lost a bet.

The bet had to do with bible verses. He had bet the children if they learned the whole of Pslam he would lie in the church parking lot and allow them to pour chocolate all over him. The exact quote from Mr Hays was "If you learn Pslams I'm a chocolate bar."

Flies buzzed around Mr Hays for several hours and he lay in the parking lot. His wife visited and wept and laughed. Preacher Dawkins said a prayer. Dogs came around and wagged their tails. Newspaper reporters asked nosey questions and took photos of the Chocolate Man.

A swarm of bees circled overhead. A few landed, then followed the swarm. Children yelled and waved their hands to ward them off.

"I don't mind losing a bet. If children learn bible verses, it's a small thing to be covered with chocolate. What I didn't like, and still don't, is that people keep calling weeks after the event and referring to me as the Chocolate Christian."

"They call the house night and day. Some of them ask for my recipe. Others want to sprinkle me with peanuts and almonds. Or little candy sprinkles."

Mr Hays owns two candy stores in downtown Bristol. Since being covered with chocolate sales have doubled.

His favorite recipe follows:

Black and White Chocolate Bars

1 lb Real white chocolate, melted
1 lb Chocolate chips; melted
3/4 c Evaporated milk
1/4 c margarine
1 ts Vanilla (or other extract)
1/2 c Toasted hazelnuts (or walnuts)

Smoothly spread the mixture over the first layer and top with nuts. Refrigerate until firmly set (24 hrs.) and cut into bars. Store chilled.

Keep away from dogs.

99 Biblical Action Toys

Biblical action toys went on sale in Kingsport, Tennessee. The toys includes Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Moses, Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. Along with Jonah, Adam, Eve, Thomas and Cain and Abel. Each biblical toy sells for $6.50. The toys are made in Taiwan. 1_27

Record sales so far have been reported. "They just jump right off the shelves," Rita Munson said. "They are battery-powered and will do things around the house. Like clean and cook and sew. They work best if you are an Evangelical Christian and pray a lot. Go to church and sing hymns."

"We heard reports that many of the biblical action toys have rebelled against some owners, due to the sins. Arguements, drinking. The husband of a home with biblical action toys better not come home drunk or be out gambling. Them toys will rise up and teach you a lesson."

"Some biblical toys have been seen around town, knocking on the doors of abortion clinics and demanding they cease their sinful ways. Also pornography bookstores and houses of ill repute. The biblical toys have a low tolerance to sin of any kind.

"We have warned consumers about how to behave around these biblical character toys. We just hope no one gets hurt. Already this week two men have awakened gagged and tied to the bedposts."

"They cursed infront of them biblical toys. Even though the instructions that comes with the toys spells everything out. People just don't listen. You can't cuss infront of a toy Jesus. You think you can act ugly in the same house with all Twelve disciples marching all around the kitchen and the living room? Are you kidding me?"

99 Names of God

99 Different Names of God

In the Bible Belt, God has many names. We have a personal relationship with the Lord. Some call God Jim or Bob or Ray or Johnny or Bubba or Jack or Wild Bill. Others call God Ellen or Bobby Sue or Faye. Or Larry or Phil.

Others look to the Bible, finding God's name in various places. EL, ELOAH: God is mighty, strong, prominent (Genesis 7:1; Isaiah 9:6) – The name appears to mean power, as in “I have the power to harm you” (Genesis 31:29).

ELOHIM: God “Creator, Mighty and Strong” (Genesis 17:7; Jeremiah 31:33) – The great vast nature of God’s power is evident as God (Elohim) speaks the world into existence (Genesis 1:1).

EL SHADDAI: “God Almighty,” “The Mighty One of Jacob” (Genesis 49:24; Psalm 132:2,5) – Speaks to God’s ultimate power over all.

ADONAI: “Lord” (Genesis 15:2; Judges 6:15) – YHWH is more often used in God’s dealings with His people, while Adonai is used more when He deals with the Gentiles.

YHWH / YAHWEH / JEHOVAH: “LORD” (Deuteronomy 6:4; Daniel 9:14) – The name is first given to Moses “I Am who I Am” (Exodus 3:14). This name specifies an immediacy, a presence. Yahweh is present, accessible, near to those who call on Him for deliverance (Psalm 107:13), forgiveness (Psalm 25:11) and guidance (Psalm 31:3).

YAHWEH-JIREH: "The Lord will Provide" (Genesis 22:14) – The name memorialized by Abraham when God provided the ram to be sacrificed in place of Isaac.

YAHWEH-RAPHA: "The Lord Who Heals" (Exodus 15:26) – “I am Jehovah who heals you” both in body and soul.

99 Recipes for Christian Oatmeal Cookies

Praise the Lord. Christians love cookies. Oatmeal cookies. The Three Wisemen baked oatmeal cookies with raisins. It was their secret. Great Christian cookies are baked with love and devotion. Spiced up with rolled oats, cinnamon, vanilla, and brown sugar.

Chocolate chips are given as an optional addition, so I stirred in half a cup. Sift the dry stuff together, say a prayer, sing a hymn.

Remember to add cream, then mix the two doing your best not to create gluten. Bake at 375 for 12 minutes. It's a heavenly delight.

Don't nibble them church, though. Everyone will want one. Keep them to yourself. The inexplicable heavenly taste of Christian Oatmeal Cookies is powerful. You feel better. Your prayers have been answered.

Christian Oatmeal can be purchased at the grocery stoire.

The recipe --
Heavy medium sauce pan
3 c holy water, boiling
1 c Steel cut oats (Christian oats, of course.)
1 Tbs Butter (Baptist butter works best)
3/4 c Plain Yogurt
1/2 c 2% reduced fat milk
brown sugar
raisins
cinnamon Scotch oats, pinhead oats, steel cut oats available in the cereal aisle of your grocery store. Quaker and other makers.

99 Schizophrenic Christians Walking On Water

"The Pyscopathic Christian," is a book published last spring. It describes the wayward fluctuation of faith in the Protestant faith. Its author is Billy Bible, a Baptist minister who has seen Christians do crazy things, all to the detriment of their relationship with the church and the Lord.

The maniacal nature of religion is not always easily discerned. Take for example, unbalanced folks who attend the Watauga Lake walkathon. People on water. It takes faith. You don't walk across a blue lake in the moonlight unless you have said a prayer, sung a hymn and just come from worhip.

How do you know if you is insane? Walking on water ain't no big deal. But if you ask a burning bush what you should do about your gas bill, that's crazy. You demented and frenzied. All fruity, hysterial and idiotic and unglued. And don't ask me for a dollar.

"If you pray for money you is crazy, daft, delirious and deranged. Prayer ain't for foolishness like that, said Seth Miller of Johnson City, Tennessee."

"You a ding-a-ling and flipped out. Maybe a whacko, out of your cotton-picking mind. You a psychopathic, raving hillybilly redneck ape."

"You don't nothing but what the Lord tells you. If you don't believe in the Lord you are a screwball. If you hear a burning bush clear its throat you better know it's going to reveal to all the secrets they is in Heaven and then some. It going to break the bank. Show you how to live. Teach you what you need to know."

"You can always tell the Evangelists from the Baptists. The Evangelists don't just walk on water they dance. The tango, the mambo, the meringue. Where do you think hip-hop come from?"

99 Facts About Heaven You Never Knew

What is Heaven like? Three out of every seven deceased people say Heaven is a place they love and enjoy. They say they've changed all their negative lifestyle habits and attitudes. Don't smoke or gamble or cheat on their spouses. Everyone is happy as a pig on a hayride.

"The After Life is the best thing that ever happened to me," said Nolly Barnes of Bristol, Tennessee. "Can't beat it. We play horseshoes and pinochle all day. And go fishing later. Ain't no flies or ants. It's Paradise."

It's pretty darn much the most incredible beautiful sight you've ever seen, magnify it billions of times, and understand there is no end to your happiness, No aging, no pain, no disease, no lonliness, no fear, no doubt, no discomfort, no death, and you can play golf and fish twenty-four hours a day. The sun shines if you want it to shine.

You've got the moon in your pocket. You can do anything you like. In the Paradise of God, you can watch television, play poker, pool. You can walk along the clouds. It's a vast plain of blue sky, with the heavenly city towering above in resplendent beauty.

The pearly gates are open at all times. You'll notice nobody has anything bad to say about anybody. The place is all full of angels. Winged creatures that fly around and perch on the tops of churches.

The city is God is pure gold, like clear glass. And the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass (Rev. 21:18,21). Where else but in Heaven can you order chinese food, pizza, pastrami sandwiches and get it delivered inside thirty seconds.

And you don't have to tip the delivery boy.

Christian Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder OCD

Christian obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric anxiety disorder most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive with godly matters, distressing, intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or "rituals") which attempt to neutralize the obsessions and achieve righteousness.

Going to church constantly, reading the Bible and praying constantly. The OCD disorder plagues one out of every four Evangelical Christians. Many Christians however show signs of infatuation or fixation with scripture and hymn singing. All to their good, as the Lord appreciates a devoted follower. He who displays righteous traits such as Christian perfectionism, does not necessarily have OCD, a specific and well-defined condition. But a tendency or desire does persist.

To be diagnosed with Christian obsessive-compulsive disorder, one must have either obsessions or compulsions alone, or obsessions and compulsions, according to the Christian Medical Institute of Elizabethton, Tennessee.

Recurrent and persistent religious thoughts, divine impulses, or celestical images that are experienced at some time during church sermons are not abnormal. But can create a mental disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress. Too much heavenly bliss is not always a benefit.

The drawbacks are many, and include a heightened sense of piety. A holier than thou attitude which permeates the super ego of the Christian. Let us all pray for those who believe so zealously they can't stop worshipping.

What Does God Look Like?

Q.: What does God look like?

A.: God has fiery green eyes, a big smile, small nose, ears, flowing brown hair and stands 9,000 feet tall.”

Q.: What does God sound like?

A.: “Thunder. Or a hundred baritones and a symphony orchestra playing in your skull.” Maybe throw in a few hundred bombs."

Q.: Where is heaven?

A.: It's up there. Heaven is 68,000 light-years from Earth, according to rumors, all heard on french television.

Q.: Where is hell?

A.: Nine miles below the surface of Earth, according to an East Tennessee scientist from Johnson City, Tennessee, who dug in his backyard all one summer. And ended seeing smoke and fire spewing up all over his yard. "Golly, I didn't know what was happening. Got scared. Called the fire department," said Wendel Boley. "When you see something like that you get scared."

Q.: How do you get to heaven?

A.: Somewhere along the Appalachian Trail, when spring hits and the flowers and trees are in bloom — did you have to ask? And the fish can tell you that's true. What about the birds?

Q.: How much does the human soul weigh?

A.: “The human soul weighs .00008 milligrams.” It's got the same weight as moonlight. 

Christian Spaghetti

There's nothing like Christian spaghetti. Anybody who has eaten spaghetti at a church diner knows that. It just tastes better. It's biblical. Got that celestial tomato sauce made from tomatoes picked right from the Garden of Eden. And then the prayer and a few Bible verses thrown in.

What you need is your Bible and some pans and some water. What else is there? Christians know how to cook, don't they? You bet they do. Get out your ingredients. Noodles, cottage cheese, spaghetti sauce, and mozzarella cheese. 

Then get the holy water will start to boiling. Add the noodles to the water. After the pasta comes to the top drain the water. Next, add the sauce and cheeses, then mix it up plenty good. And sprinkle some parmesan cheese.

As for Christian spaghetti sauce, it's heavenly. Please use a minimum you have to have garlic, onion, oregano, salt, and oil. Add some basil, a bay leaf and mushrooms.

Maybe a dash of white pepper, thyme, and rosemary, too.

The Baptist Spaghetti sauce relies upon saute some diced onions in olive oil until they turn translucent. Add a can of tomatoes. Though Presbyterians may use diced tomatoes with basil and garlic.

Saute the tomatoes and oil for twelve minutes. You can add some tomato paste at this point for some extra flavor. Remove from heat and add salt & pepper. Then add a dash of cream, milk, or sugar--any of those will sweeten the sauce.