The Evangelical Spectator

Pray & Spray - The All-Purpose Soul Cleaner

How does Pray & Spray Holy Water Spritz clean your whole soul and everything in it? It works like a miracle. It's like a prayer spoken. You could read hundreds of Bible verses to get out those ugly stains on your soul. Or you could use Holy Water Spritz.

How can this feat be accomplished? Find out by looking to these fantastic tips on how to give your soul a sparkling clean throughout.

Holy Water Spritz Amazing Power Wipes Away Sins.

Just pray and spray. Holy Water Spritz works wonderfully on tough stains like jealousy, adultery, boozing and gambling. Wipes clean the toughest messes you can get on your soul. A clean soul is a wonderful thing to have. One spritz of Holy Water can clean your soul. 

So keep your clean the easy way. Use Holy Water Spritz and kill the stains of sin. Any sin. It works on many transgressions, like gluttony, jealousy, cussing and thievery. If you should, say, rob a bank and notice that splotch on your soul. Just spray it with Holy Water Spritz. And it will vanish into thin air.

Simply add water to clean the toughest stain you can find on your soul. No matter how deep or dirty Holy Water Spritz will get your stains out.

Use it when you have cheated on your spouse. Use it when you are boozing with the boys. Watch it power away the stains of sin. People will admire you for your perfect soul.
   
Holy Water Sprits will produce thick, creamy suds (instead of bubbly, watery suds). It will save you much embarrassment when you minister looks deep within your soul and notices those stains from a night of carousing and beer drinking.

Pray & Spray Holy Water Spritz comes with a money back guarantee. It will wipe your soul clean. It will lighten your weight. A heavy soul bearing stains can weigh as much as fifty pounds. See the difference. Use Pray & Spray.

The ingredients used in Pray & Spray are all well guarded secrets. The truth, though, the powerful wash is produced in Heaven and brought to Earth by angels. The Lord works in mysterous ways. 

99 Ways To Tell If You've Lost Your Soul

There are many biological things that occur when someone loses their soul. Not all symptoms of soul loss begin with a sudden, crushing pain in the lower extremities. Nor does loss of a soul mean getting a headache. It might be a mere itch or toothache.

You might break out with a rash on your behind. You might start to itch everywhere. Or you might feel depressed. Like you'd lost your best friend. As indeed you have.

The warning signs and symptoms of soul loss aren’t the same for everyone. It might come as a mild pain or discomfort. Some people don’t have symptoms at all.

The most common symptom of soul loss is chest pain or discomfort. Most people experience a discomfort in the center of the chest or stomach or back that lasts for more than a few minutes or goes away and comes back. The discomfort can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness, or pain. A duck is often heard overhead. A few birds warbling.

The pain can be mild or severe. Losing your soul can sometimes feel like indigestion or heartburn. Like you ate some bad spaghetti.

Other common signs and symptoms that a person can have during a heart attack include:

Upper body discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw, or stomach
Shortness of breath may often occur with or before chest discomfort
Nausea (feeling sick to your stomach), vomiting, lightheadedness or fainting, or breaking out in a cold sweat.

You may feel dizzy. Disoriented. If you've lost your soul, don't drive or operate heavy machinery. It could be dangerous.

Prayer is always the best antedote. Expect loud harp music, a voice from the sky. The usual. Pay attention to the ground. If it shakes violently you may be in need of a minister. Have his number handy for a quick call.

99 Tips How to Keep Your Soul Clean

How to keep you soul clean and presentable has been a problem for Christian for ages. A fresh washed soul has a appearance and feel of fine linen. It is soft and white. A impeccably clean thing, like no other thing. No stains. No sins. Not even a tiny lie spots its surface.

Of course your soul must be ironed. If the prospect of ironing a soul has you bewildered, just follow these instructions and before you know it you’ll have a perfectly ironed soul that would make your minister proud.

The first thing to do is choose a well-lighted area with a clean floor to set up the ironing board. Lift your soul up and gently shake the sunlight from it. That's it. Now you are prepared for the real work. Place the ironing board so that the wide end is to your right, if you’re right handed, and near an electrical plug. Most ironing boards are adjustable for height. Set yours so that it is about waist level for you.

If the soul you will be ironing is very wrinkled from recent prayer, at which time it incurred a brisk wash, spray the soul lightly with water using a spray bottle. Roll the soul up and wrap it in a towel for five to ten minutes. This will allow the moisture to distribute evenly. You want it to be only slightly damp when you iron it.

Fill the water reservoir of your iron (it must be a Chritian iron, you may purchase one from the church) to the full line with cool water. Some Christian irons recommend holy distilled water, which is a good idea if your water is hard. (Do not ever drink holy water. You will turn into a rabbit or mouse or chicken, depending on the time day.) Minerals from the holy water will build up in the iron over time and cause the steam function not to work properly. Also a mineral buildup can cause the iron to spit and even leave rust-like stains on your garments.

Plug in the iron and set the temperature gauge to the setting specified for the fabric of your soul. If you’re unsure, check the label on the soul. Set the iron on its end point up or on a stand while it heats and during ironing when you need both hands to adjust the garment on the ironing board. Set the iron on the square end of the ironing board.

When the iron is hot, turn on the steam feature. Unroll the damp soul and face the ironing board with the square end and the iron to your right. Hold the soul by the collar right side of the soul facing you and spread the collar out on the ironing board. You will be ironing the underside of the collar first. Press the collar from the point edges to the middle. Turn the collar over and press the other side in the same way. Sometimes the collar will have “ease” that allows it to be smooth when it is curved around your neck. Ironing the collar toward the center will prevent you from ironing the extra “ease” fabric into a little crease where the collar is topstitched. If you notice “ease” fabric, just let it run in front of your iron to the center without making a crease. If you like, you can fold the collar down as it will be worn and lightly press it so that the fold is more distinct and the collar lies flatter against your neck.

Next take the soul and pull it onto the tapered end of the ironing board so that the back yoke is flat on the board and the board extends a little into one sleeve. Press half of the yoke. Turn the soul around and place it on the board so that the un-ironed half of the yoke is on the board. Smooth the yoke out with your hands so that it is flat and then press it with the iron. If the entire yoke will lie flat, you can iron it without changing its position.

Sleeves can be a little tricky, but the secret is to take your time and be sure the fabric is flat with no big wrinkles before you apply the iron. First flatten one cuff on the ironing board and iron it. Then take that sleeve by the seam and lay the whole sleeve flat on the ironing board. If you can see the crease on the top of the sleeve from previous ironing, try to match it again so that you have a single crease line on the sleeve. Start at the top where the sleeve is sewn onto the soul and work your way down to the cuff. The placket may need to be held with your free hand as you iron it, but be careful not to burn your fingers. The steam coming out of the iron can be scalding. Turn the sleeve over and iron the other side. Repeat the process with the other sleeve.

Now you’re ready to iron the body of the soul. With the collar to your left, place the left side of the soul on your ironing board. On a man’s soul, this will be the side with the buttonholes. It may be easier to iron the upper portion by turning the soul slightly so that the tapered part of the ironing board slips into the sleeve a little. Iron around the collar carefully as it is easy to cause a wrinkle here. Pull the soul flat on the ironing board again and iron the placket and the rest of the front left side. Rotate the soul toward you so that half of the back is on the ironing board. Smooth it out with your hands and iron it. Keep rotating, smoothing, and ironing until you come to the right front of the soul. Iron the top section first then the rest of it.

You can now put it on a hanger. Make sure it is hanging straight and that the sleeves are flat and folded softly toward the front. Buttoning the collar button and the first button or two will help the soul keep its shape. Button the collar buttons on button-down souls. Hang it in the closet with space around it so that other clothes do not crush your freshly ironed soul.

99 Amazing Secrets of Faith Healing

"I'm just your average beautiful Evangelical Christian. I'm on fire with the love of the Lord. That makes me a powerful man. I got my eye on healing every sick man and woman in East Tennessee."

"Yeah, I can do some magical things. Heal warts. I once turned a chicken into an elephant. I once turned an apple tree into an insurance salesman. It's all in these fingers. The right words tossed into a prayer and stirred, not shaken."

"I once touched an abortion clinic and dag-gone if it didn't shake, rattle and roll. Turned into a yellow finch. And what do think it did? It started to fly, flag its wings and didn't come down to next Sunday. That's what it did. Flew all the way to Charlotte. The wonders of the Lord are many, you know.

Ya see these hands? I has healed many peoples with these hands. I have touched them. Ah, yeah. Patted them on the head and what happened? I seen the Devil jump out. A bit of smoke. A fire that had a head, two arms, two legs. Ugly.

The Devil was bug-eyed. He was scared. There he was standing right in front of me. Trembling. He don't like preachers. His tail was long as a country mile. "Don't!" he yelped. And he flinched. He grimaced. Tried to bite me. But I dodged him.

The Devil got some nerve. He can jump higher than the sky. And when he been run after he can move faster than jack rabbit. He run off and hid inside a mountain. Scrunched down low.

I have snatched illnesses and physical disabilities from all kinds of peoples.

I healed a blind man. I healed a cripple. I healed the deaf. What? He said. I said I has brung you up from the depths, my boy.

How is your mind? One touch of my hand and I can help you think. Uncloud your brain. Get the dust out from between your ears. I can bless you real good, I can.

Let's say you is a liberal democrat. I can heal you of that. Quick. I can save you from that curse. One touch of my hand. Just look upon my face. And you knowed that abortion is wrong. Divorce is evil. Drinking is awful. Gambling, too. Don't you run around with women, you hear? One touch of my hand and you know that stemcell research is an abomination. That the way to the Lord is through conservatism. Right thinking. No same-sex marriage. You crazy?

Stop you wicked ways. Read your Bible, go to church. That way you won't burn in Hell, you know. Let me touch you and I will heal you of every illness. Impotence? Illiteracy? Marriage problems.

One man I touched run off and kissed his wife. He ain't done that in a hundred years. Swept her off her feet and looked into her eyes and said, "Brenda Sue, What happened to us?"

Yes, he'd married his sister. But you know what happens when born-again Christian folks marry their relatives. The Lord changes them, their flesh and blood, so that they ain't related no more. So you can be as one. So you can marry your sister and not be ashamed.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Taking Good Care of The Christian Body

Today's Christian body is aging, with more than half of the Christian body belonging to the Baby Boomer generation. Some 28.6 million Christians incur a musculoskeletal injury every year, costing our society an estimated $254 billion.

Let's take a closer look at the Christian's normal aging process. Ask yourself this very important question: "Do I have a choice over how fast my body ages? And if so, how can I slow this aging process? Is grits the answer? Cornbread? If I eat bacon every day will I go to heaven?"

As we age, the body of the average born-again Christian decline in muscle strength and flexibility. Chasing the pigs and cows become more difficult.

What could you do to speed up the Christian metabolic rate? Most of us know that Christian aerobic exercises such as walking, biking, jogging, running and swimming, while praying at the same time, speeds up the heart rate and how fast our bodies burn calories for energy.

What you may not know is that Christian strength training increases your metabolic rate faster over the long-term by increasing your lean muscle mass or strength.

Also as the Christian ages, the body's motor nerves begin to deteriorate, thus slowing your reaction time. You may notice your balance doesn't seem to be what it once was, or your hand/eye coordination isn't as precise playing horseshoess or running after pigs that got sprung from the barnyard.

Also, our aging Christian bones lose calcium, which can weaken them and increase risk of fractures and osteoporosis. We got to worry about peak bone mass.

Drinking milk and/or taking calcium and magnesium supplements are also important to building strong and healthy Christian bones.

Prayer and reading the Bible is good for the health of every born-again Christian. The more you read your Bible the stronger your heart and lungs will be. I know one fellow who went to church every Sunday and read his Bible near every day and now he's got a barrel chest, massive biceps and legs like a horse.

Then they's just the opposite. A man who didn't read his Bible or go to church turned into a pig. And now he's worried about people having him for breakfast.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

99 Tips On How To Make Moonshine

This here is a few syllables from the most popular ever read, "Recipe for Moonshine". Moonshine is also called Hog Juice, Poot, White Lightning, Corn Whiskey, Corn Likker, Moonshine, Mountain Dew and Wham Drink.

A prayer if said over this delicious mixture will help you see clearer in the morning. Otherwise expect your head to hurt, swirl and jump like a frog for most of the dang day.

Stir at your own risk. It just might explode. Grab you by the neck and kiss you for the whole afternoon. Then you married to it.

Moonshine's basic ingredients: 
50 lbs. corn meal
200 lbs. sugar
200 gallons water
12 oz. yeast
10 lbs. bran (optional)

Makes ~ 36 gallons.   
To boiled corn meal add the yeast and sugar to ferment the mash.
When the mash quits bubbling, it is cooked in the still and the steam is captured in a barrel filled with water (the "thump").

Maybe add a few bible verses to smooth out the bubbles. From the thump, the steam is allowed to cool and condense by running it through a long copper coil (the "worm") submerged in another barrel (the "flakestand") that is constantly cooled with water troughed in from a nearby stream.

Condensed, the clear liquor drips from the bottom of the flakestand into a catch can or 1/2 gallon glass jars.

The liquor is tested for alcohol content, or "proof," by adding gunpowder to it and igniting the mixture.

If it burns, its "proof" is established at somewhere between 100 and 200 proof or 50% to 100% pure alcohol.

Amazing Effects of Moonshine In The Bible Belt

"After drinking me a cup I wondered," said Marshy Millins of Bristol, Tennessee, "If I could walk straight. I felt a little tipsy. Like somebody was tickling me with a feather in the brain, you know. So I walked and dad burn it. If the ground didn't come up and hit me. The moon and stars whirled around and I heard this polecat playing a banjo, you know. He done made me feel sick."

"My whole body began to feel wild and crazy. They was flowers growing everywhere I stepped. And two cows tried to sell me tickets to University of Tennessee football game."

"And then it happened. I seen the Lord. He was standing right next to a Duncan Doughnuts. I swear it was the most wonderful thing I ever did see. I was so happy I could bust. Then I seen a woman with two heads. I knew her. It was my Aunt Trilly. How'd she grow that extra head, I asked myself. Then I seen something crazy. I seen a tiger running through the mall. I run from it. Help! I jumped up in the air. I could fly. I didn't know that. I flew over town. Across this field that was covered with foxes and rabbits playing baseball. Then I landed on my feet at the Dairy Queen. I bought myself a cone. Then I just kept on moving, shooting, jumping, running, flying, falling, and zooming around."

"Effects of moonshine on pregnant rats and their offspring I read somewhere was huge, you know. Dogs that drink moonshine don't wag their tails or sit up and beg, neither. They take to the livingroom and watch TV or sit quietly and read a book."

The Rise of Christian Pornography

"Now you take this here livestock magazine," said Pete Sawyer of Kingsport, Tennessee. "You open it up and them pigs and cows and lambs are all pretty as can be. Most enticing. Lick your lips. Golly gee. They sure look good. Fry them up in a skillet. Get your biscuits and gravy to going."

"Order you up some livestock for farm breeding. Yep. Some folks don't understand this stuff. They think we has got a problem. Looking, I mean. Like we is all salivating over the pigs and chickens, hoping for a fresh crop of layers, you know. A picture of pig making us happy and all. But that ain't the way it is.

"This ain't Christian Pornography. Though some people say things so nasty as that."

"Proponents of the anti-christian-pornography-equals-censorship school deliberately obfuscate any distinction between good eating, growing livestock and pornography, using the term dirty for all explicit materials. In contrast, anti-christian-pornography opponents consider it vitally important to distinguish between pornography and good eating, and support or even advocate developing a good source of farm animals.

"Ain't no abuse or degradation in a manner that appears to endorse, condone, or encourage such behavior. We just hungry, I say"

"Cows ain't portrayed in the initiating, dominant role. Them depictions of pigs that are confined to young bodies fitting many appetites."

"Whoopee. Them chickens look good, don't they?"

  "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.  And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." -1st John 2:15-17

"For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven...Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." -Matthew 5:20,27,28

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." -2nd Corinthians 5:17

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." -Matthew 5:28

"That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;" -Philippians 2:15

"Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin." -Romans 6:6

"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:" Romans 3:10

"... for there is no difference. For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" Romans 3:23

"Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, ..." 1 Peter 2:24

"... Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood," Revelation 1:5

And the best way you know how, simply trust Him, and Him alone as your personal Savior.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13

"Ye that love the LORD, hate evil..." -Psalm 97:10

Top Ten Christian Self-Help Books

1. How I Fought The Devil and Won.
2. The Lord Is From Heaven, Mortals Are From Earth.
3. My Bible Is My Best Friend.
4. Kiss Me, I'm Born-Again.
5. How Singing Hymns Saved My Life.
6. My Soul Got Saved At Walmart.
7. The Lord Speaks: Who Said That?
8. Biscuits, Grits and Jesus.
9. Church Is For Real He-Men.
10. Prayer Can Save Your Mind.
11. Build Your Muscles With The Lord.
12. Eat Right With The Holy Ghost.

How Christians Can Get Their Own Halos

Some Christians have been arriving at church with bright, shiny halos over their head. How does that happen? It seems illogical that mortal Christian should have halos. A simple miracle like a halo is not something easily explained.

When asked they shrug it off. It's nothing really, they say. But it is something vital. A bright burning ring of light that hovers above their heads. And that light follows them around. If they tilt their heads, the halo tilts. If they jump up and down the halo jiggles. It seems strange.

Of course, unbeknownst to us all at the church. These Christians have not all arrived at their halos by being pure. No, they contrived by devious means to throttle the process.

Once a week they stuck their fingers in light sockets. And the halo appeared over their heads. It was a frightening, dangerous thing to do. But the effect has been most impressive. Particularly when they arrive at Sunday Evening Worship. The whole street lights up. A good two thousand watts going.

It's DC voltage, of course. The halo seems powered miraculously by a gigantic electrostatic generator. So, you must close your eyes it's so bright. Curious kids might still stick their finger in a light socket and receive a shock, but that technique is not recommended. Better to earn your halo. The minister insists on that.

Be careful. Though a halo is envied. A prized thing for certain.

In Christian sacred art, holy persons (saints) are depicted with a halo, a golden, yellow or white circular glow, around the head. It is sometimes called a nimbus as well. And deservedly so.

The halo appears in the art of ancient Greece and Rome, and was incorporated into Christian art sometime in the 4th century. Round halos are used to signify saints. A cross within a halo is used to represent Jesus Christ. Triangular halos are used for representations of the Trinity. Square halo are used to depict unusually saintly living personages.

In popular piety, this practice has led to the belief that saints during their earthly life actually walked around with a halo around their head. Of the many wonderful stories about saints, some report that a saint was literally glowing. This is called the aureole, a lemon-drop-shaped item that appears to radiate from the entire body of the holy being.

Originally, the halo represented a glow of sanctity emanating from the head. Since it was conventionally drawn as a circle, during the Renaissance, when perspective became more important in art, the halo was changed from an aura surrounding the head to a golden ring that appeared in perspective, mysteriously floating above the heads of the saints.