The Evangelical Spectator

99 Reasons to Go to Church

1. To see who's going to Heaven.
2. To sing them hymns that make your spirit soar like a bird
3. To hear the preacher say them things that make you feel good.
4. To see the preacher heal the sick. When he lay his hand on the blind man that surely is the most wonderful thing that can happen.
5. To see the preacher raise the dead. You know he's the kind of man who would be a hit at medical school. Cause there the dead man lie in his coffin and the preacher come touch him on the forehead. Then sudden them eyes pop open and he start to murmur. Dead man wiggling and waving his arms. Yeah. The dead man is all trembling with joy, for he is come back to this world.
6. To see the preacher turned the water into wine. Better get some designated drivers to get us all home.
7. To see the preacher turn stone into bread. You just know the moon going to someday be a source of pizza dough.
8. To see the Lord. You know he's at the service. He could be that tall man or the short lady. You wonder which one?
9. To hear the preacher say that prayer that takes your breath away, like a punch in the belly.
10. To absolve yourself of all the world's problems.
11. To learn who sinned in the Bible this week. Could it be Ruth, Naomi or Sarah?
12. To be forgiven of your own sins.
13. I feel so good in church I sprout wings.
14. I love that piano music. The organ makes my heart sing the craziest song.
15. I close my eyes in prayer and I can see the Twelve Apostles.
16. I don't want to miss that choir music. It's so beautiful I feel closer to the Lord.
17. I love church cause it's the one place the devil ain't.

The Christian Flu

Think You Have the Christian Flu? What Are Christian Flu Symptoms? Know the FACTS
--Fever
--Forgetful of Bible verses
--Gambling
--Womanizing
--Drinking liquor
--Cough
--Aches
--Chills
--Seeing the Devil outside your house
--Tiredness
--Sudden symptoms may include the hiccups, cussing and fighting with your wife. And kicking the dog.

Is there any difference in the Baptist flu and the Lutheran Flu? Which is the worst. How about the Presbyterian Flu? Truth is the worst flu is the Episcolpalian Flu and Seventh Day Adventist Flu. They will take you out like a light.

Christian Flu FACTS Information --
Christian Flu symptoms occur when you don't read your Bible, don't pray and don't go to church. You use the Lord's name in vain, expect to come down with the Christian Flu.

It can be mild or severe — and if they’re mild can become severe without much notice. Be aware of your body and monitor your body temperature.

The common symptoms of the Christian flu include:

Trembling
Fever (usually high)
Headache
Muscle aches
Chills
Extreme tiredness
Dry cough
Ringing in the ears
Heart palpatations

Runny nose may also occur but is more common in children than adults.
Stomach symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, may also occur but are more common in Christian children than Christian adults

You don’t need to experience all of these symptoms to have the Christian flu. If you have one or two, it's recommended that you see your doctor or your minister. We've prepared a list of helpful questions to ask your doctor to help you make the most of your visit.

What Effect Does the Christian Flu Have on the World?

Doubt. More doubt than is good for the mind and soul.

When we think of the Christian flu, we tend to think of how it impacts our lives on a personal level — are we going to heaven with the sniffles?

If you see angels sitting in your front yard, you could be in danger of developing Christian pneumonia.

How many days will you have to take off work? How many days will you have to take off work to care for a family member? Will the Christian flu spread throughout your child’s school?

Camels In The Bible Belt

People are so religious in the Bible Belt they have started riding camels. You see them everywhere. Riding to the mall, to church, to work. They wave. Smile real big. You'd think they'd know better.

Like riding a camel was a thing a Christian ought to do. Like riding a camel made them more righteous. Somehow closer to the Lord.

And of course they might be right. It's biblical you know. Real biblical. Nothing more biblical than a camel. And riding a camel has got to say something about your spirituality. I mean you're serious about your dedicating your life to the Christian life.

Let's face it. Camels put us in the mood for praying and reading the bible and thanking the Lord for what you got. You got to be impressed.

Of course, some folks overdo it. They got a two-camel garage. Showoffs!

You see a camel you know it's a camel. Looks like a big dog with a hump on its back. Poops in your neighbor's yard.

(yell out)
Hey! Is that your camel? Look what he done. What are you going to do about it? Curb your camel, man. Clean that up. You hear me.

And everytime the camel runs off. You got to go chase him down. He don't chase cars. Goes after that star in the east. Find him down at the Dairy Queen. Gotta bring him back home.

And do you need a license to drive a camel? Heck, no. Anybody who can climb ontop can take a ride. When you think they going to headlights on camels so we can ride at night?

Don't never invite your camel into your home. All he does is sit in the livingroom, smoke my cigars, blow smokerings, make strange noises and watch Clint Eastwood movies. Eats all the nachos. And for God's sakes, keep him away from the dip.

And don't know how to use the vacuum cleaner. He don't talk much. And what he does say ain't good. He snorts. Blow the drapes off the hooks.

The newspaper has camels for sale. You get one for around fifty bucks. They'll give you riding lessons. It's nothing like riding a horse I can tell you that. Think about the Lord a lot when you ride. It helps keep you on.

I got a uncle who has a ride-through camel wash. (Hey! Don't spray me with that soap! You crazy!)

Gotta watch what you put in that reartrunk, though. Kinda messy.

Me, I like the models with the plush interior. Straw. Truth is we happy if we can get that CD built right in the hump.

The Botanist and the Holy Bible

What is a botanist? And what happens when a botanist examines the plants of the Holy Bible?

Botany is the scientific study of plant life. As a branch of biology, it is also called plant science(s), phytology, or plant biology. Botany covers a wide range of scientific disciplines that study plants, algae, and fungi including: structure, growth, reproduction, metabolism, development, diseases, and chemical properties and evolutionary relationships between the different groups.

The study of plants and botany began with tribal lore, used to identify edible, medicinal and poisonous plants, making botany one of the oldest sciences. From this ancient interest in plants, the scope of botany has increased to include the study of over 550,000 kinds or species of living organisms.

When Moses spoke to the people about the Land of Promise, he described it as a "land of hills and plains" (Deuteronomy 11:11), "a good land, of brooks and of waters, and of fountains: in the plains of which and the hills deep rivers break out: a land of wheat, and barley, and vineyards, wherein fig-trees and pomegranates, and oliveyards grow: a land of oil and honey" (Deuteronomy 8:7-8).

In Genesis, i, 11-12, where it is divided into: (1) deshe, signifying all low plants, e.g., cryptogamia; (2) ‘esebh, including herbaceous plants; (3) ‘es peri, embracing all trees. In the course of time, the curiosity of men was attracted by the riches of Palestinian vegetation; Solomon, in particular, is said to have treated about the trees (i.e., plants) from the lofty cedar "unto the hyssop that cometh out of the wall" (1 Kings 4:33). Of the plants mentioned in the Bible, the most common varieties may be identified either with certainty or probability; but a large proportion of the biblical plant-names are generic rather than specific, e.g., briers, grass, nettles, etc.; and just what plants are meant in some cases is impossible to determine, e.g., algum, cockle, gall, etc. A complete alphabetical list of the plant-names found in the English Versions is here given, with an attempt at identification.

Algum (A. V., 2 Chronicles, 2:8; D. V., 9:10, 11, "thyme trees", "fir trees"; written "almug" in AV., 1 Samuel 10:11-12). Josephus (Ant., VIII, vii, 1) says it was somewhat like the wood of the fig tree, but whiter and more glittering.

Almond tree, Hebrew luz (Genesis 30:37; "hazel" in A. V. is a mistranslation; cf. Arab. laux), apparently an old word later supplanted by shaqed (Genesis 43:11; Numbers 17:8; Ecclesiastes 12:5); which alludes to the early blossoming of the tree. Almonds are (Genesis 43:11) considered one of the best fruits in the Orient, and the tree,

Aloes (Proverbs 7:17; Song of Songs 4:14; John 19:39; A. V., Psalm 45:8) is reckoned among "the chief perfumes". In A. V., Num. xxiv, 6 ("lign aloes".

Amomum (Revelation 18:13,

Anise (Matthew 23:23)

Apple tree, Heb., thappuakh (cf. Arab, tiffah; Egypt. dapih, "apple") and the description of the tree and its fruit indicate the common apple tree, Malus communis, which is beautiful, affording shade for a tent or a house (Cant., ii, 3; viii, 5), and bears a sweet fruit, the aroma (Cant., vii, 8) of which is used in the East to revive a fainting person (cf. Cant., ii, 5). Apple groves flourished at an early date (Ramses II) in Egypt., Joshua 15:53) .

Ash Tree. Is., xliv, 14 the tree intended is Pinus pinea, the maritime or stone pine, rather than the ash, as the various species of Fraxinus grow only in the mountains of Syria, outside Palestine.

Tall Tales of Horoscopes

"Is astrology a dog-gone "Superstitious" remnant from the "PISCES-AGE" . This artificial belief system is from their primitive Cave Men. All myth and fable with a pinch of salt. It tastes like moonshine with rabbit innards floating ontop," says Barneby Vich of Blountville, Tennessee.

Them laws of nature got to be obey. Yep, the stars know more than we give them credit for. They tell you stuff. Like what time it is. What the Lord done today.

It's the ever loving cosmic riddle what else them stars tell us. I don't know. But you give me a gander at the stars and I can tell you which team will win the ball game, what we going to have for dinner, how many jelly beans they is in a jar. Get it?

You can't go deciding that the universe works a certain way, based on a stars. OR can you? The pigs study the stars. The cows study the stars. The chickens know all about the stars. And they know more than we do.

I don't really mind anything the say. I pay attention, yes. I understand what the stars are saying. I just don't do all they tell me.

Nothing they say bothers me. And it makes me laugh to see how unsettled and insecure some people get when stars say something they don't agree with.

.But what does the divine response say to him (Elijah)? "I have reserved for Myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal." Even so then, (proof by analogy) at this present time there is a remnant (of Israel) according to the election of grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer of works; otherwise grace is no longer grace. But if it is of works, it is no longer grace; otherwise work is no longer work. Romans 11:4-6

He answered and said to them, "Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written: 'This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me, and in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.' For laying aside the commandment of God, you hold the tradition of men--the washing of pitchers and cups, and many other such things you do." And He said to them, "All too well you reject the commandant of God, that you may keep your tradition."  Mark 7:6-9

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord." 
"Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

Matthew 24:35, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
Isaiah 40:8, "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."
Psalm 119:89, "Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens."

Religious Epiphany In The Bible Belt

"My first genunine religious experience," said Tom Skitt of Bristol, Tennessee, "was a humdinger. I felt giddy. I was at a church picnic. All of a sudden I knowed the power of the Lord."

"What did it I think was I had them seven corndogs, three pieces of fried chicken, two biscuits and some potato salad. And a big pickle. I think it was that pickle that done. Praise the Lord."

"The crucial questions of existence and, at its most sublime moment -- it hit me right in the gut. I took a drink of lemonade. It was all transcendental, which to me I knowed as gas."

"A true Religious Epiphany is a moment you can never forget. I seen and felt the absolute, the infinite. The brotherhood, love and quiet sanctity of a full stomach."

"Everything is intangible. Pretty much about religion. But when you got your belly full like that you know the Lord. You feel grateful for his many works. Corndogs."

"I can now comprehend the totality of the universe. Everything suddenly was inexplicable yet extraordinarily appropriate. Clear, too. You know I never felt so much goodness, so much strength."

"I wonder what would happen if I'd eaten a couple more corndogs."