The Evangelical Spectator

Baby Killers In The Bible Belt

We have never killed no abortion clinic doctors. We have always been nice to them. We've always tried to help them out. Provide spiritual guidance by hooking up battery cables to their testicles. And starting the truck. (yells) He start talking in tongues. (yells)

Yeah, we saved another one. Or bring them closer to the Lord by stomping on their fingers, toes, pulling a couple of teeth, goudging they eyes.

To impress upon them religious values, we read scripture to them, while yanking their private parts until that pretty yahhh come out of their mouths real sweet. We wait for that. Yahh. It's grizzly bear talk for "please, stop yanking my privates. I won't do it no more, Mr redneck hillybilly, sir.")

We want to show the way of the Lord. That's why we going to throw you out this window. Got anything to say to the Lord, before you hit the cement? (Wah, wah? Wah?) Ain't that sweet. He's apologizing for killing babies.

How many babies you killed, anyway, boy? (Wah, wah?) So I guess you don't mind we drop you and smash your brains against that sidewalk, huh? (huh, huh?) He say the nicest things. I think he quoting the bible. Deuteronomy. (wah, wah?) Oops! May Jesus help you. You big pile of mush. Looky there. Ain't it awful? He got himself all broke up and mushy.

Do you know a better way to warn them against an eternity of a fierey hell than putting matchsticks under their fingernails and lighting it. Of course, there are more subtle ways of leading them to righteousness. You could pour kerosene on their heads and light it. Or politely twist their limbs until the moment of redemption. They often repent when they see a pair of pliers or a hammer or a broom. They come to Jesus, weeping for the Lord is merciful, when he gets what he wants.

Christian Dog School

Billy Bible is a round little man. He walks on stage with a swagger. Gestures wildly with his right hand for something to happen. Something magical. Surfire gone fantastic wonderful and miraculous. Dog-gone out of this here world. And it does. He looks down at the floor. He points his finger at the floor. There is nothing there. But he sees something and he speaks to it.

"Nice dog. Good boy." Billy pats the air. He sees a dog there. The audience doesn't. What kind of comedy is this you might ask. What kind of hocus-pocus is happening. Billy proceeds to inform us.

"Welcome to the first demonstration of The Evangelical Christian dog training school. We train dogs to worship the Lord. Not long ago we recognized that our household pets were unschooled in religion. They live in our homes and yet pay no attention to the Lord. They have not been trained to glorify the Almighty."

Billy again pats the air. Then reaches into his pocket for a dog treat, which he gives to the imaginary dog. "Praise the Lord," Billy requests of the dog. And the dog barks. The dog's response bringing a joyful smile to Billy's face. "Good boy. That's the way to be a christian."

"Which way is heaven?" Billy inquires of the dog. "Woof! Woof!" the dog says, obviously supplying the correct answer.

"Recite Psalm 43," Billy requests of the dog. "Woof! Woof!" the dog says. "That's it. That's right. Go on! "Woof! Woof!" the dog says.

"What a good boy you are,"Billy says. What a good christian." And Billy reaches inside his pocket to retrieve another dog treat, which he hands to the dog.

We at the Evangelical Christian Dog School want dogs that do not merely perform tricks. We want dogs who believe in the Lord. We observed that dogs bark at strangers in the yard. We saw dogs sitting up and playing dead and shaking hands and fetch our slippers and newspapers. We wanted more of our dogs. We wanted dogs to lead Christian lives. That's why at the Evangelical Christian Dog School we teach dogs to recite bible verses, pray, show reverence to the Lord.

"Can you wag your tail for the Lord," Billy asks the dog. Billy stares down at the floor. "Good boy!" says Billy. "The light of the Lord shines down on the true believers. His sins have been washed away. He has been forgiven for chasing trucks and cats and biting the postman."

"He no longer barks at strangers. Why, he tells of the coming of the Lord. He recites Bible verses to everyone he meets. He spreads the gospel."

"Jump for the Lord. Jump!" Billy looks up at the ceiling, then down. He does this several times, as though he watching the dog leap into the air and back to the stage.

"Praise God almighty," Billy says. "Woof, woof." We hear the dog bark. But we don't see a dog. We catch Billy moving his lips and the woof sound comes from him, of all places.

"Dogs want to worship the Lord. They need to be trained. Taught just like children need to be taught how to love the Lord. At the Evangelical Christian Dog School we will teach your dog how to be outstanding good Christians. Pious dogs. Good dogs. Dogs that know how to show their faith. You'll be pleased at the change you'll see. When you kneel and pray they kneel right beside you. When you read your Bible they will want to hear the word of the Lord as much as you."

"Don't you want a christian dog in your house?"

"Yeah. That's this here all right. A nice dog. Very obedient."

"Not that I have a way with dogs. It's the Lord. The Holy Spirit inside this here dog." Woof. Woof.

"What does I mean?"

"I mean what I says and I says what I mean. This here dog is Christian. He got love in his heart for the Lord and his fellow man. What you don't know is how Christianity changes a dog. This here dog is born-agan. This here dog does household chores most dogs don't do."

"Like what?"

"Dusting and vacuuming. Doing the dishes and laundry. Mopping the kitchen floor. Painting the garage. I seen this dog out mowing the lawn, clipping the hedges. This here dog can play the guitar and sing like Conway Twitty. This dog can fix a great pot-roast and bake a fine apple pie. It can paint your livingroom. Even get up at the crack of dawn and scramble eggs and make coffee. Now that's a good dog."

Tall Tales of Hell

We talk about Hell a lot. We can't get our minds off the subject of Hell.

All Hell broke loose. There's not a chance in Hell I'd win the lottery.

I don't want to go to hell. What the hell. Hell, if I know. The Hell with you.

Hell if I care. It's hard as Hell. Where the Hell is Roger? Why the Hell don't you just say it?

Hell if I care. Crazy as Hell. Go straight to Hell. Why do I have to go straight to hell?

Why can't I go the long way around? Stop at moderation, rest a bit,

Consider all my options, then go to Hell? You're going straight

To Hell. How do you know if I'm going straight to Hell. Hell, if I know.

Hell or high water. Hells bells. Does Hell have bells? What kind of bells?

Church bells, school bells, dinner bells? Who gives a hell. I do. I'm going

To Hell. That was a hell of good time we had last time. Hell fire and damnation.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. I'm going to catch Hell for this.

Just wait a minute while I chase it down. Come here, Hell. Where you been all my life.

Hell, I don't know.

50 Things To Do In The Bible Belt

1. Visit the Garden of Eden
2. Once there eat a few apples. Learn about sin.
3. Get your picture taken next to a real Biblical character, like say, Moses or Noah or Joshua. Be humble about the whole experience. They're celebrities.
4. Talk to a burning bush.
5. Blow Gabriel's trumpet.
6. Got to church.
7. Visit a Soul Center to see if you have a soul. They can check for five dollars. It takes only a few minutes. It's like one of them automatch photo machines, where you sit in a booth and somebody takes pictures of your soul.
8. Buy a souvenir, say, dirt from Golgotha or the Wilderness where Jesus stood.
9. Eat grits.
10. Sit quietly and look up at the sky for 30 minutes. If you are lucky, Elijah and his fiery chariot will come into view.
11. Watch Abraham & Issac on television talk about their favorite football team.
12. Visit Big Foot's home in Knoxville, Tennessee
13. Herd some sheep.
14. Throw stones at Agnostics and Existentialists.
15. Go hunting for Atheists. Their fur is good for making a wintercoat.
16. Drink holy water from a lawn sprinkler. Or the tap in the church kitchen.
17. Ride a camel.
18. Talk to Methusalah. Ask him to tell you about the time he was in Korea.
19. Kiss a pig.
20. Go to a hardware store and buy the jawbone of an ass. Good for hammer nails and slugging unwanted visitors in the night.
21. Walk on water.
22. Go into a church and ask the Lord any question.
23. Read the Holy Bible and watch yourself float upward to the ceiling in your motel room.
24. Plant a tree or plant seeds in a pot and watch them grow
24. Find opportunities to talk with chickens.
25. Go dancing with a goat and celebrate being alive
26. Repeat the Lord's Prayer to a bum lying in the street. And watch him be invigorated. He will probably be the new mayor next year.
27. Look in the mirror. See the Devil standing right behind you.
28. Sing a hymn.
29. Try to imagine what it feels like to be a possum.
30. Practice conscious kindness every day, & dare to change who you are
31. Write your name down on a piece of paper. Ask yourself, "Who am I"?
32. After three days in the Bible Belt, you will understand the sounds of nature. Birdsongs will suddenly sound like loveletters. Pig grunts will be rhetorical questions. The cows will cite continuously their remorse for chickens and goats who lack the social graces.
33. Attend a chuch picnic. Eat some chicken salad and pickels and country ham. Maybe a few corndogs.
34. Welcome the indigestion that ensues upon eating unwisely.

Top 10 Street & Road Signs In The Bible Belt

"Road signs around here take a little used to," said Bobby Bays of Kingsport, Tennessee. We got "Watch Out for Burning Bushes," and "Don't Spit On Church Sidewalks" and "Don't Cuss At The Devil -- He Don't Know No Better," and of course, they's "Have No Other Gods Before Ye" and "The Love of Money Be The Root of All Evil." That last one I seed in front of the First National Bank over in Bristol."

All the street signs in the Bible Belt are reflective .080 aluminum street signs and approved by the Evangelical Christian community. Genuine christian street signs often quote scripture from the King James Version of the Holy Bible.

Among the popular street signs are devoted to the beatitudes and the Sermon on the Mount. Also, "Thou Shalt Not Make a U-Turn, Thou Shalt Not Jay-Walk," and the popular flashing "Thou Shalt Walk, Thou Shalt Not Walk." The most popular choice is 6" street name signs on .080 reflective aluminum, letters and background are both reflective.

Also popular are Christian announcements. "The Lord has Risen, The Lord is Coming. and God Bless The Children", the latter often appearing in school zones. Among the many other various street signs you will see in the Bible Belt are "Thou Shalt Not Walk on the Grass, Thou Shalt Not Smoke and Thou Shalt Not Litter." Not to mention, "Prayer Brings Hope To All and The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways."

Looking For John The Baptist

What happened was Betty Sue Lambert looked out her front-door and she seen an old man with a long gray beard, wearing sandals and a bathrobe. He was walking down the street. He was. And she said, "Eek! It's John the Baptist!"

And I want you to know that started the ball rolling all across Tennessee and all around the Bible Belt. People got real excited. They did. And I want you to know soon after that folks seen some biblical character they was a living nextdoor to. They seen them shopping at the grocery store. They did.

All around they was biblical characters. We was in the midst of something amazing happening. We was convinced of this. We was. And one thing led to another. And before you know it you opened up the newspaper and David was fighting Goliath at the ballpark. This time they was fighting for a good cause. The Little League needed new uniforms.

And Methusaleh. He was up at the Old Folks Home. Him being old, so old he could remember far back. So far back he could recall when Adam and Eve first come to church in their new Studebaker.

Nicodemus was at the seven eleven, buying some gatorade. And Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. They come to the church picnic that Saturday. And boy did they eat themselves a whole bunch of fried chicken and ribs and potato salad. Whew! More biscuits and gravy than they anybody ever put inside their belly. They did.

And somehow we knew. We looked around us and we seen them. We knowed they was always a couple of Philistines, hanging around the gas station, drinking coca-colas and eating peanuts.

Over at the dinner, they was roman soldiers eating doughnuts and drinking coffee. Roman Soldiers sure do like doughnuts.

I seen King Solomon driving his Buick. He plays golf on Wednesdays. Owns a carwash, two laundromats and a drycleaners.

I seen Jezebel and Mary Magdalene out in the yard sunbathing in their bikinis. Peter and Paul's was out mowing their lawns, clipping their hedges and raking leaves. Bless they hearts.

They's Job. Lost his job again, got hit by a truck, bit by a dog, struck by lightning, broke a tooth when he fell down a flight stairs at the mall. IRS is auditing him. His wife left him. Dog died. His house burned down. His car was stolen. But he's doing all right.

There's Cain. He's on trial again. Newspapers made a big deal out of it. Did he really kill Abel? Guess when the DNA evidence comes in, we'll know. Last time they tried Cain, the case got dismissed cause Moses entered the courtroom, and astounded the jury when he throwed down his rod and it turned into a snake, long as Davy Crocket's dick. Don't that beat all.

King Ramses done run for city council and won. Samson coaches football at the local high school. Delilah's got a barbershop. Pontius Pilot is the county school superintendent. Barabus is a salesman for a cellphone company -- the Tower of Babble.

Tall Tales of Houseflies

You ever seen a flystrip. Didn't even know they wore clothes. Of course I did see them buzzing around the department. I didn't know they was shopping. And what does the well-dressed fly wear? Got me something in a corduroy. Or maybe something on sale. The fly doesn't carry a wallet, no purse. It's air-borne.  Gimme that two-breasted suit.

No wait a minute. I can't flap my wings fast enough to get off the ground with that kind of weight. I'll take a few loose threads. Wrap them up. Mail them to me. I'll be hanging around horses and cows in the meadow.

That's right. Charge it. I'm a fly. Do I look like I'm a queen bee. I work for a living. I see a pile of horse manure I'm there. It's a living. I gotta survive, don't I. And stop swatting. It's a terrible way to die. You think we like getting smashed, smeared all over the walls. Run into that sticky paper, wiggle, can't get loose.

We deserve to be free like anybody else. Let me tell you something buddy. Flies. Horse flies, house flies, you name it. We're American. Land of the free and home of the brave. We love honey, sugar. We can't help ourselves. We are who we are.

We buzz. That's right. Buzz all the time. Night and day. Want to make something of it. You won't to fight about it? Put them up. I'm a fly.

Big Foot and The Smoky Mountains of Tennessee

Big Foot don't talk much. But when he does he makes a lot of noise. "Howdy!" and "Glad to meetcha!" and "Gee whiz!" was all he told reporters when he got out of his red convertible in Knoxville. Headed toward the Great Smoky Mountains. Big Foot's got some big deals coming up. He hopes to make some big bucks.

According to most accounts, Bigfoot is a powerfully built bipedal apelike creature between 7 and 10 feet (2.10 and 3 meters) tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. The head seems to sit directly on the shoulders, with no apparent neck. Alleged witnesses have described large eyes, a pronounced brow ridge, and a large, low-set forehead; the top of the head has been described as rounded and crested, similar to the sagittal crest of the male gorilla.

Big Foot opened his new chain of motels in The Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. That's a hundred and seventeen rooms, a dozen swimming pools and nine large gambling casinos in which patrons can enjoy blackjack, roulette, slot machines and electronic horseshoes.
 
Big Foot drove all the way from Alabama all night to cut the ribbon on his new resort. Big Foot has invested over twenty-five million dollars in the Big Foot resort, which includes a carnival, museum of Biblical Charaters and a three-ring circus. The resort welcomes tourists from all over the world.

People often ask what activities to do while staying in one of our Gatlinburg Tennessee or Pigeon Forge Tennessee cabin rentals.  The area is known as the "Vacation Capital of the South" and the title is earned fair and square.  There is simply nowhere else on earth like it.

The Great Smokies is an exciting place for people to commune with nature and enjoy the many recreational activities of Big Foot Resorts. It's a unique combination of wildlife, casino games, natural beauty and a endless vacation attractions for travelers of every age and interest.  Entertainment, attractions, lodging, dining, weddings, honeymoons, shopping, outdoor recreation.