The Hypochondriac's Calendar

The Hypochondriac's Calendar went on sale this week in Knoxville, Tennessee. A team of physicians created the calendar to support the ever-growing psychosomatic community. Hershel Mullins, one of the first people to purchase the calendar, offered his explanation. "I simply love this calendar," Mr Mullins said, "It embraces a variety of splendid illnesses."

"For example, this week I've a headache coming up on Monday afternoon and Tuesday I've got a rash on my left leg. And Wednesday I've got bursitis. Thursday I have a choice of either diabetes or Tourette's Syndrome. Friday I get dizzy and can't stand up. Saturday, I've got a peptic ulcer. Sunday I break out in hives, my neck swells up, my nose runs, my back hurts and my vision is blurred. And next week I've got the measles."

"Next month I get the whooping cough. A stuffy nose. Sore throat. A upper respiratory infection. I get a ringing in my ears. I get to wheeze. Feel run down. I get a thyroid condition. The mumps. Carpal tunnel syndrome. My left leg twitches. I can't sleep. I'm impotent. My heart palpitates. Rheumatism. Spinal meningitis. I can't see. I experience a stabbing pain in my back. I get a stiff neck. I get Parkinson's Disease. And the next week, I have Alzheimer's Disease. Then the next week I have laryngitis. Pink eye. My hair falls out. I get a toothache. This one right here. See? Athlete's foot.

"There's holiday illnesses, too. Thanksgiving I get gallstones. Halloween I get a brain tumor. Easter I am diagnosed as a hemophiliac. Columbus Day I get halitosis. Father's Day I contract a urinary infection. New Year's Day my nose bleeds. Valentine's Day I get scurvy. Fourth of July I get Celiac disease. Christmas Eve chicken pox. President's Day I have an inner ear infection. And on Mother's Day my cat gets a migraine. The gold fish has amnesia. Can't wait."

"With this calendar, I can look forward to some new illness every day. Come rain or shine I'm down with something. I look forward particularly to the gout. Never had that. Always wanted to have the gout. What's it like? Bet it's a humdinger of an illness. Put you out of commission. That's the beauty of life. Getting sick. The truth is the more ill we are the more we appreciate good health. What we need is a rare disease to perk us up. Sleeping sickness. That would make us all happy as a pig on a hayride."

"In January, I have any number of illnesses from which to select. It's like a menu in a fancy restaurant. You want to have everything. Each month the Hypochondriac's Calendar features an inflamed organ or body part. The brain is my favorite part. But also I love the intestines, the lungs, my lower extremities. Toes and feet. Flat in February. Pigeon toes in March. Bow legged in April. I can't wait. Of course, I don't want to mislead anyone. Or distract in any fashion from creative psychosomatics who want to come up with their own illnesses. Each person should decide for themselves what diseases afford them the most. The calendar is a practical and important in that it has the pychosomatic's interests at heart."

"At the end of each month, you may allot yourself a disease in the coming month. Options include bouts of typhoid, pneumonia, dropsy, tuberculosis. Or you may consider pleurisy, spastic colon, diphtheria, lime disease, scarlet fever and gastritis. As well as sinusitis, HIV, hepatitis, encephalitis, bubonic plague, laryngitis, hypertension and hearing loss. My own sentimental favorite is malaria. I hasten to add the calendar comes with a dozen get-well cards."

"Though I also fully appreciate the inclusion of yellow fever, malaria, dysentery, double vision, heat stroke, sunburn, perineal abscess, dysentery, food poisoning, heartburn, sleep apnea, motion sickness. I can look forward to atherosclerosis, depression, hemorrhoids, anemia, melanoma sebaceous cyst, atherosclerosis, cardiomyopathy, angina, cholecystitis, and a cerebral hemorrhage. Any hypochondriac will be delighted by the generous offering of illnesses. I cheerfully recommend this lovely calendar. It's a feel-good calendar. You can't help but feel exhilarated by its all encompassing understanding of the hypochondriac. And the photos are spectacular. Each month spotlights a different disease. And a color photo of a patient with the disease either at the hospital or visiting the clinic."

"Mystery is important. Ritual. The pursuit of happiness. A healthy lifestyle. Are we sick? How sick are we? Where does it hurt? Physicians and patients often conflict on diagnosis. So often we are disappointed when we leave the doctor's office. He tells us there's nothing wrong with us. Loose weight, stop drinking coffee, smoking, exercise more, practice yoga, meditate. Take an aspirin."

"Some folks have all the fun. With this calendar, I can see myself enjoying life to its fullest. Got everything in there. One day next month, for example, I'm thiamine deficient. And in coming weeks, I'm have rickets. Then I'm hypoglycemic. And after a bout of beriberi, I bump right into pellagra, osteoporosis, epilepsy, night blindness, smelly feet, splitting nails, dehydration, acne, hiccups, warts, cold sores, dandruff, psoriasis, alopecia, cleft palate, cramps, jock itch, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, impetigo, mange, rabies, mad cow disease, vertigo and Santo Domingo and San Diego. Way to go, I say. It gives life a circus effect. Never know what's coming your way. Everything's here, except the bears riding bicycles and the monkeys playing jazz piano. It's packed full of every illness a psychosomatic warrior can enjoy. Little wonder it's the best-selling calendar in the USA."

"When I wake up now I know what disease I've got. This calendar gives me a proper clinical diagnosis. It's amazing how it can discern my illness. It knows exactly what ails a body. For anyone wishing to get in touch with their body, this calendar provides the utmost in health-care prognostication. It has it finger on the pulse of its readers. X-rays, medication and doctor visits are extra, of course. But for $24 it's a steal. I get the chills just thinking about it. My heart jumps a beat. My head starts to throb. I feel a little dizzy. I might faint. My mouth is dry. I think I'm going to perish."

http://evangelicalspectator.typepad.com/TheHypochondriacsCalendar.mp3