Atheist Nabbed In Tennessee

An atheist was nabbed in Elizabethton, Tennessee. The suspect, Charles Van Dodge, allegedly was reading Jean-Paul Sartre and eating a melted cheese sandwich when he was spotted, chased through the streets and apprehended entering a shopping mall. Three Christians recognized him.

"He was big and hairy. Ears big as a rabbit," said Calvin Thobbs. "Personally I never seen a atheist. Somebody said they lived around here. I grew up around these parts. But never come face-to-face with one."

"It was scary," Maude Bowman said. "He was wild, a faithless pagan, you could tell. He looked dangerous. A savage. Contemptuous of anything to do with Christianity. When asked about the Lord he made a hissing sound. And him not believing in the Lord. Not going to church. Not praying or praising the Lord. A beast like that walking the street with our children playing not a block away. What are we suppose to do? Let him go his own way?"

"He was an atheist. You could tell by the way he walked," Bill Patrick said. "Kind of crooked and wobbly. I think he come from the baboon family. Didn't know atheists could stand on their hind legs like that. Atheists can run fast, though. I never thought for a moment, when he give me that beasty look, I was going to live to tell the story. But here I am. I think he got afraid when I recited them lines from First Corinthians. It was like a bullet that went straight to his heart."

The atheist was described as a tall, thin, mid 30s and wearing a blue sports-coat and tan jeans. Hairy legs and big feet. Once caught up with, he was asked numerous theological questions to determine his true beliefs. The suspect denied knowing what life was all about. He shook his head and murmured, when asked if he believed in the Holy Trinity. He confessed to thinking his own life was accident.

The town of Elizabethton had been put on alert that an atheist had been seen shopping at he local bookstore and later purchasing a movie ticket at the mall. As a big hairy beasts go he was inconspicuous. He spoke little. He made barking sounds, when asked his name.

Last week on video surveillance the suspect was observed standing at the teller window. He was chewing gum. As far as we know he did not bite or scratch or attack in any fashion anyone in Elizabethton. Nor did he have an accomplice.

Pending further investigation, charges will be filed tomorrow. The suspect is being held at the county jail. The consequences are usually stiff for atheists appearing in public. "Maybe you see one in the woods," Edith Mable said. "Not in broad daylight. It's unheard of. What was that creature thinking? He belongs in a zoo. He's a threat to the community."

"A significant amount of evidence was seized in them searches," Office Roger Hall said. "I can't go into any specifics. But I can tell you certain reading material and personal effects was seized at the home of the suspect. He was up to no good. Has a picture of Simone De Beauvoir over his bed. And in his living room there were books by Charles Darwin and Ayn Rand. We found no sign of a Bible, which I'm sure you know is a crime in Tennessee."

Comments

[Carol]

I am an atheist and I have at least a dozen bibles!!

I read 'em, too. Nothing like reading bibles to make one realize what crazy stuff it contains!!

[Mollywriter]

This is probably the most offensive site I've ever seen.

You think you're free to discriminate against atheists as if nothing was wrong with it.

Why don't you try substituting the word "Jew" or "Black" for "atheist" and see if it's as funny or socially acceptible.

[Sabrina Barnard]

I think this is hillarious. I think that you should read through your idiocracies and think twice before publishing them. First of all, and atheist is someone who does not believe in god--any god. Second, a pagan believes in a god and goddess. They are by definition, not an atheist, because they believe in not just one god, but two. They are POLYTHEISTIC. NOT ATHEISTIC. I myself am an atheist, raised a Bristol Southern Baptist, and I am sure that I know you. I lived there my whole life until I moved to New Orleans to help with the rebuild. I do good things because it's the right thing to do. I don't need to claim a religion to do a good thing. You should find something decent to do with your spare time, instead of bashing people who have done you no harm. I have read the Bible, and everything in it is contradicted somewhere else in it, and also contradicted by scientific discovery. Have you actually read it? You should.

[alcoholicpoet]

wonderful. laugh out loud funny. although the grains of truth in it are a wee bit scary.

keep up the great satire.