The Evangelical Spectator

Tall Tales of The Bible Belt

Welcome to the Bible Belt, where pigs talk and bibles fly and burning bushes report the news, sports and weather,  not to mention quotes from the American Stock Exchange. And Satan lives just up the street. Drives a red convertible. And angels will give you a lift to church, if you don't have one.

Here is where the child evangelist Billy Bible who by the age of seven saved three thousand souls, and farmers grow vegetables big as houses, so they rented them out. And talking rabbits travel the Appalachian Trail preaching the gospel in small country churches, possums will read your fortune. We got singing bears, the ghost of Elvis Presley attending Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting, Bibles giving birth to children, and an assortment of lamb's tales, cow's tales, pig tales. Farm animals possessed of gifts to spread the gospel.

The Evangelical Spectator particularly enjoyed the one about the church offering plate that floated around the sanctuary of the First Methodist church in Blountville, Tennessee. The offering plate would hover above the congregation and dip to allow tithing. The plate would spin after each contribution and whisper its gratitude. As well, we enjoyed the splendid tales about the Devil. The Devil Bakes A Cake, The Devil and His Chain of Barbecue Rib Restaurants, and The Satan Sings On The Radio.

We should also mention the little known facts collected in "Tall Tales of The Bible Belt." Interesting tidbits like how the Devil hates the rain, snow or any other wet precipitation. It tends to blister his skin. And swimming is entirely out of the question.

In addition, we can't express say enough about how much we like the idea of the Devil being a member of the community. And of course, he is just that. If somebody sees the Devil then why not tell about it. What the Devil does should be of interest to the Christian community. We need to look out for signs that he's coming or has been here.

Atheists, for example, in Virginia have gathered together to form an all-atheist jazz-band, an all atheist baseball team that travels around the country, an all atheist country club and an all atheist bowling team.

To quote a passage from the book, "We think atheists live in high-rise caves. Or they could be cliff-dwellers. We know they eat grass, leaves, insects, rodents, lizards, snakes, rocks and the occasional bag of dirt."

Not to mention the various strange wild flowers observed growing in the Blue Ridge Mountains. The Zenobia Red Tulip, for example, has the scent of scrambled eggs, and if you're not careful will provoke passersby to spin in circles while reciting scripture. The Wild Orange Mum grows only in east Tennessee, and has a powerful sleep inducing effect on any creature or man causing the rabbit or man to lie down and snore loudly. This would explain why so many men in east Tennessee snore loudly when they go to bed.

As well more incidents of folks walking on water, talking in tongues, a strange and magical foreign and dead languages in praise of the Holy Spirit, often accompanied by wiggling, hooting and rolling on the floor. We were pleased to find the old story of the rabbit raised from the dead and the red-headed truck-stop waitress named Betsy who wrote a bestseller, "I Waited On John The Baptist." And of course, that windstorm that blew through Murfreesboro, Tennessee, traveled on to Nashville and appeared on the Grand Ol' Opry, sang alongside Willie Nelson.

We would mention "Tall Tales of The Bible Belt is the best thing since apple dumplings. It can make you feel so good you think you're at the lake fishing for blue gill. It began as a way for Christians to understand themselves and the greatness of the Bible Belt.

Christians got a sense of humor. They got it like the porcupine's got quills. We know what and why and wherefor. We know the Bible. In our community, we got many small churches that sing hymns so sweet you could make honey.

We got enchanted forests, farms, domestic and wild animals, and mountains on which spirits roam. We Christians try darndest best to strengthen our faith, and convince visitors not be frightened. The heroes and heroines and villains in these parts being the stuff that faith is made frion. A huge and ferocious belief in the Lord.

Some stories got exaggerated. A little, maybe. Faith has a source of power that lends itself to enlightenment and therefore, the pulling of a leg now and again was okay. As long as the truth was behind it, somewhere. Maybe snuck in the back-door. But handy. Tall tale tellers could spin a whole town around. The wildest tall tale fantasy left a taste in the mouth like honey.

The Bible Belt, if the truth be known, is about the most exciting, wonderful and amazing place there is. And then some. We don't know why anyone would leave it.

The Educated Pig

The phenomenon of the educated pig has caught some folks off-guard. People find it hard to believe. The miracle of the pig is here to stay. Though some cannot quite make the leap. An educated pig is outright dangerous. Unthinkable.

People experience a moment of sheer surprise. They take a step back and inhale deeply. Shake their heads and say, "You sure about that? Them dumb creatures? Curly tails and oinking. You mean pigs can learn? How did something outrageous happen?"

Even when faced with the evidence of pigs driving trucks and installing satelite dishes. A pig can do anything a man can do. Maybe better. People have come to accept the pig as a creature which has been much under-rated.

Pigs read, write and can add nowadays. They got I.Q.s around 125 ever since that lightning storm over in Kingsport. You remember the thunder was so loud. Acid rain fell everywhere and they drank it right out of the trough. Me, I don't think it was the storm. So much as them pigs started believing in the Lord and the Good Lord seen fit to change the pig.

Since that day pigs are smarter than most people. They know more about the english language than most humans. They study the Bible. You can come across a pig without hearing one recite scripture and sing a hymn. They know history, too. Particularly American history.

What kind of school a pig attends will determine their future. Pigs are graduating high school at a rate of two thousand each year in Tennessee. We take pride in this accomplishment. Having tapped the potential of the pig quite accidentally.

How many times have we told of the day when pigs got right with the Lord and got baptized out at Watauga Lake. Come to think of it we can't say enough about how pigs have discovered their true selves and from that day on accepted the responsibility of being outstanding citizens of the Volunteer state.

Since that day pigs have changed how we look at them. They're our barbers, accountants, lawyers and plumbers. Pigs have assumed positions in many government jobs. Everything from postal workers to congressional bureaucrats.

God bless pigs.

Do Atheists Sleep?

A recent study of atheists reveals that atheists don't sleep. And if they do it's with one eye open. A power nap at best. The effect is one of a watchful night. Fearful of the slightest noise.

Atheists keep an eye out for their detractors. They're mindful of the danger when it comes to the Lord or angels sneaking up on them when they least expect it.

The slightest sound at night, a tiny peep and the atheist suspects danger. Their lives are at risk. A loud or even a sublte creaking of a door or window can frighten the atheist into hysteria. Their wild hair stands straight in the air. Their long ears prick up. The atheists' tails swish and their eyes bug out big as bowling balls. When the Lord comes calling.

Some folks believe the atheist can sleep soundly through any threat. That the atheist is a profoundly gifted intellectual, a mentally powerful creature. It's merely a myth. It’s the sort of wisdom that often turns out to be based on no evidence at all — or, worse, flat wrong. But in this case, it’s far-fetched..

Research has shown over the years that an atheist has the I.Q. of a rodent. The atheist cannot graps the fundamentals of faith.

The atheist fears the Christian life. To sleep is to lower their defenses. And thought atheists are light sleepers, the risks are great. Life-threatening. The dangers everywhere. Even the opening of a Bible can awaken the atheist. Turning one page can frighten the atheist into a catatonic state. The atheist may shake uncontrollably. May swallow their tongues. May scream shrilly.

The room may appear to swilr. The scripture or prayer suddenly escaped like a snake hissing from under the bed. Or on the windowsill. The words of a prayer may swallow up the oxygen in a room. And the atheist suffocate.

The gasp so deep. The shock so overwhelming the atheist that cause paralysis. One arm, one leg stiffening. The Holy Spirit slapping the atheist with blindness or deafness. A mute atheist is one who often has heard the Lord's Prayer spoken on the radio. An accidental hearing of the Beatitudes may break the atheist back.

A prayer spoken in the presence of an atheist can haunt them for years. A gospel hymn sung may enter their heads and remain for decades. This is most naturally something that atheists fear. A Bible verse, if it enters the vital organs of the atheist, may penetrate and cause damage. As though it was a bullet shot from a gun.

On Sundays, atheists are frightened of the outdoors. They don't like to see Christians attending church. The whole concept of worship digs at their insides. The atheist cannot sustain the sight of churchgoers.

Nor can the atheist abide the cross. Or the church steeple. The figure of the cross casts over the atheist a spell. The force is brutal. It spins the atheist around. The sight of cross suffucating the atheist. Cuts and scrapes occur along the backs and legs of the atheist.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

The Egg Controversy

Abortion is the most serious issue of our time. It has challenged both our morals and our intellect. We have long debated the issue. Yet the crisis has not passed. The best minds of clergy and science and education have attempted to address this most solemn of dilemmas. Albeit no concise answer has been forthcoming.

However, just yesterday, revelations have arrived. And from unlikely source: The Chicken. "Please don't misunderstand me," writes Thomas Heller, a 2005 State Fair prize-winning chicken from Knoxville, Tennessee, in an op-ed in The Evangelical Spectator. "But this the petty thievery of eggs must stop. It's gone on long enough."

"As proper analogy I suggest humans should stop stealing our eggs and eating them. It has I know been going on for centuries. A cruel act. A malignant and tyrannical ritual. A thoughtless charade. Now is the time to examine both sides of the egg controversy."

"And allow me to mention I had an aunt just last week who was plucked and fried. I cannot tell you what fear and utter contempt I have for those who ate her for lunch."

"And everytime she laid an egg. There were greedy hands to take from her children. The unspeakable and cold-blooded creature, which goes by the name of Human Being has wrought upon my family a thousand deaths."

"When we cry and kluck in the barnyards no one listens to our pleas. No one shows the slightest hint of compassion. We are stoic, as chickens are. We conceal our contempt by clever means. We scratch."

"What crassness has wrought upon our society when humans take it upon themselves to destroy eggs. The eggs, if they were permitted to be born, would allow chickens their birthrights. Chickens should be allowed to enter the world."

"Unimpeded by the human appetite for eggs. Humans should accept the fact that the chicken egg deserves a right to be born. What cruelty occurs each morning, when someone cracks a egg and makes an omelette. I shudder at the thought of that moment."

"Let us reconsider this entire matter and accept the burden and shame of centuries of egg eating. Civilization can fully understand this horror. This barbaric sacrfice in which the eggs are pilfered for selfish reasons."

"Society hungers for more than just nutrition. It should welcome abstinence of eating eggs. No more eggs. Not one more egg."

"And what of Easter? What collapse of moral perpetrude boils us in dyes. Red, blue, green, yellow, violet? And hides up in bushes, or behind trees. Our lives are so much more than an Easter egg hunt. We will not be trivialized."

"Save us from this tirade. This loathsome crusade, I beg you."

Hypochondriac's Calendar

The Hypochondriac's Calendar went on sale this week in Knoxville, Tennessee. A team of physicians created the calendar to support the ever-growing psychosomatic community. Hershel Mullins, one of the first people to purchase the calendar, offered his explanation. "I simply love this calendar," Mr Mullins said, "It embraces a variety of splendid illnesses."

"For example, this week I've a headache coming up on Monday afternoon and Tuesday I've got a rash on my left leg. And Wednesday I've got bursitis. Thursday I have a choice of either diabetes or Tourette's Syndrome. Friday I get dizzy and can't stand up. Saturday, I've got a peptic ulcer. Sunday I break out in hives, my neck swells up, my nose runs, my back hurts and my vision is blurred. And next week I've got the measles."

"Next month I get the whooping cough. A stuffy nose. Sore throat. A upper respiratory infection. I get a ringing in my ears. I get to wheeze. Feel run down. I get a thyroid condition. The mumps. Carpal tunnel syndrome. My left leg twitches. I can't sleep. I'm impotent. My heart palpitates. Rheumatism. Spinal meningitis. I can't see. I experience a stabbing pain in my back. I get a stiff neck. I get Parkinson's Disease. And the next week, I have Alzheimer's Disease. Then the next week I have laryngitis. Pink eye. My hair falls out. I get a toothache. This one right here. See? Athlete's foot.

"There's holiday illnesses, too. Thanksgiving I get gallstones. Halloween I get a brain tumor. Easter I am diagnosed as a hemophiliac. Columbus Day I get halitosis. Father's Day I contract a urinary infection. New Year's Day my nose bleeds. Valentine's Day I get scurvy. Fourth of July I get Celiac disease. Christmas Eve chicken pox. President's Day I have an inner ear infection. And on Mother's Day my cat gets a migraine. The gold fish has amnesia. Can't wait."

"With this calendar, I can look forward to some new illness every day. Come rain or shine I'm down with something. I look forward particularly to the gout. Never had that. Always wanted to have the gout. What's it like? Bet it's a humdinger of an illness. Put you out of commission. That's the beauty of life. Getting sick. The truth is the more ill we are the more we appreciate good health. What we need is a rare disease to perk us up. Sleeping sickness. That would make us all happy as a pig on a hayride."

"In January, I have any number of illnesses from which to select. It's like a menu in a fancy restaurant. You want to have everything. Each month the Hypochondriac's Calendar features an inflamed organ or body part. The brain is my favorite part. But also I love the intestines, the lungs, my lower extremities. Toes and feet. Flat in February. Pigeon toes in March. Bow legged in April. I can't wait. Of course, I don't want to mislead anyone. Or distract in any fashion from creative psychosomatics who want to come up with their own illnesses. Each person should decide for themselves what diseases afford them the most. The calendar is a practical and important in that it has the pychosomatic's interests at heart."

"At the end of each month, you may allot yourself a disease in the coming month. Options include bouts of typhoid, pneumonia, dropsy, tuberculosis. Or you may consider pleurisy, spastic colon, diphtheria, lime disease, scarlet fever and gastritis. As well as sinusitis, HIV, hepatitis, encephalitis, bubonic plague, laryngitis, hypertension and hearing loss. My own sentimental favorite is malaria. I hasten to add the calendar comes with a dozen get-well cards."

"Though I also fully appreciate the inclusion of yellow fever, malaria, dysentery, double vision, heat stroke, sunburn, perineal abscess, dysentery, food poisoning, heartburn, sleep apnea, motion sickness. I can look forward to atherosclerosis, depression, hemorrhoids, anemia, melanoma sebaceous cyst, atherosclerosis, cardiomyopathy, angina, cholecystitis, and a cerebral hemorrhage. Any hypochondriac will be delighted by the generous offering of illnesses. I cheerfully recommend this lovely calendar. It's a feel-good calendar. You can't help but feel exhilarated by its all encompassing understanding of the hypochondriac. And the photos are spectacular. Each month spotlights a different disease. And a color photo of a patient with the disease either at the hospital or visiting the clinic."

"Mystery is important. Ritual. The pursuit of happiness. A healthy lifestyle. Are we sick? How sick are we? Where does it hurt? Physicians and patients often conflict on diagnosis. So often we are disappointed when we leave the doctor's office. He tells us there's nothing wrong with us. Loose weight, stop drinking coffee, smoking, exercise more, practice yoga, meditate. Take an aspirin."

"Some folks have all the fun. With this calendar, I can see myself enjoying life to its fullest. Got everything in there. One day next month, for example, I'm thiamine deficient. And in coming weeks, I'm have rickets. Then I'm hypoglycemic. And after a bout of beriberi, I bump right into pellagra, osteoporosis, epilepsy, night blindness, smelly feet, splitting nails, dehydration, acne, hiccups, warts, cold sores, dandruff, psoriasis, alopecia, cleft palate, cramps, jock itch, hemorrhoids, diarrhea, impetigo, mange, rabies, mad cow disease, vertigo and Santo Domingo and San Diego. Way to go, I say. It gives life a circus effect. Never know what's coming your way. Everything's here, except the bears riding bicycles and the monkeys playing jazz piano. It's packed full of every illness a psychosomatic warrior can enjoy. Little wonder it's the best-selling calendar in the USA."

"When I wake up now I know what disease I've got. This calendar gives me a proper clinical diagnosis. It's amazing how it can discern my illness. It knows exactly what ails a body. For anyone wishing to get in touch with their body, this calendar provides the utmost in health-care prognostication. It has it finger on the pulse of its readers. X-rays, medication and doctor visits are extra, of course. But for $24 it's a steal. I get the chills just thinking about it. My heart jumps a beat. My head starts to throb. I feel a little dizzy. I might faint. My mouth is dry. I think I'm going to perish."